A Bland Post

My system is totally hang now...o'oo not the computer, I mean my system (that is my brain)
Don't know what sort of blues are this...may be some Wednesday Morning Blues..

After sleeping for more than 7 hours when I woke up at 7:30.. I was feeling as if someone woke me up when I was just half way through.

Extent is wishing a Professor Good Afternoon at 10:50 a.m. He was looking at my face.. And I was giving a blank expression. It took 30 secs or so for me to realise what I said.
And then when somebody is calling I am hating him for that, otherwise I always wait for my cell to ring.. :O..feeling offended..

Not even comments are triggering me up..which they always do.

And then lots of documents and stuff to collect before I leave day after tomorrow... :/
Still, at least the excitement to see new home is yet there.. Thank GOD.

I have already turned down what plans I had for new years eve.
I know I'll be fine by evening, and will come up with some better plans..

But now I am feeling too weird.. weird because I don't have words to explain what irritation I am feeling..
I think I am becoming, what they call to be fatuous, day by day...

Bat Niklegi To Phir Dur Talak Jayegi
Log Bewaja Udasi Ka Sabab Pochhenge
Ye Bhee Pochenge Ke Tum Itne Pareshan Kyo Ho
Ongliyan Uthenge Sokhe Huye Balo Ke Taraf
Ek Nazar Dekhenge Guzre Huye Salon Ke Taraf
Chodiyon Par Bhi Kai Tanz Kiye Jayenge
Kanpate Hathon Pe Bhee Fikre Kase Jayenge

Log Zalim Hai Har Ek Bat Ka Tanaa Denge
Baton Baton Mein Mera Zikr Bhee Le Ayenge
Unke Baton Ka Zara Sa Bhe Asar Mat Lena
Warna Chehre Ke Tasur Se Samajh Jayenge
Chaahe Kuchh Bhi Ho Sawalat Na Karna Unse
Mere Bare Me Koi Bat Na Karna Unse
Bat Niklegi To Phir Door Talak Jaayegi

A very Happy New Year to all..
...always Keep Smiling.

Conference

I don't know what I am supposed to write or what I am going to write.
So Meghna, there I am. Having conference with so much of participation from students' end was something cool.. Last time I ignored the event like anything, but this year things were entirely different. Not only we (research students) but even some M.Sc. students enjoyed it. Frankly speaking I am jealous of them now, for having such a experience in M.Sc. itself, when I missed it for being lazy enough. So may Profs. from big universities abroad, and almost 90% were department's past students; it gave a feeling of proud. And then there was high interaction.
One thing that they were smart in doing was inviting students to their place for higher studies.

And then got to know so many academic familes..who is whos guide..who is whos academic brother who is whos grand guide..like got to meet two of Fuller's academic sons..Time Series people must be knowing Dickey-Fuller Test.. :P. Got to know how many (love)marriages have been there within the department.. :P... How many statistician couples we have..

Talks were very much restricted to reliability and time series...I guess only these interest people now a days..

Felicitation for Rajarshi Sir was too good. Its preparation led me to know my academic father a lot. His versatility. I thought he is just into Stochastic, but that was not the case.

It was all fun over all..

PS:
1)I hate to sound like a reporter, but can't help it now; I am blocked..
2)Sorry Meghna what you wanted didn't come out. I hope some other time

background to a bad day

Having finished P.S. I Love You (Cecelia Ahern) in the afternoon day before yesterday, I started with Painter of Signs (R.K. Narayan) same day before going to bed. But yesterday when I went to Richa's room I found Man, woman and Child (Erich Segal) on Jyoti's rack, so picked it up in plan of starting as soon as RKN's finishes.
(Sometimes I am scared that if this goes on for a while, I have to include atleast one chapter on movies I watch and books I read (other than statistical....)

I was planning to sleep early so thought to get hold of some reading stuff. Had to go through 'Hoerl and Kennard' and then 'McLeish', but found this time to be inappropriate for Ridge Regression and Aggregate Data. So obvious choice was to have RKN, but don't know why my hands moved to ES. It was 11:15 PM I planned to have some 10-15 pages. There was nothing very specifically urging about it. Yet I kept reading that and consoled my inner self, by deciding to sleep after next 5 or 10 pages. I have not been ever so eager to continue reading anything, except for Da Vinci Code. That truly deserved the eagerness. But I still wonder what was in this compelling me, yet I liked it. All the way it kept me reminding of MASOOM (one directed by Shekhar Kapur)...except for the end.
After some time I avoided looking at clock so as to pretend to another self in me, who was yelling at me to sleep or study something, that never knew its so late. I thought it will be just an hour since I started..But I knew its past 2 AM when some 75 pages were left. So now there was no point in leaving it.
As a result I slept at 2:45., in a plan to get up late so as that I can concentrate on work for the rest of the day.
That wasn't it, some girl knocked at my door at just 7:35 AM. I wanted to bang her on the face like anything. She queried about some room mate who was home. I was so sleepy that I just nodded my head for yes no. Now she realized that if she doesn't go in a minute I am going to fall on her... said sorry and went back. But now I was sleepless just to realize that this was a kick start to bad day...

strangers to friends to strangers again...

Mujhko bhi tarqeeb sikha koi yaar julahe,
Aksar tujhka dekha hai ye tana bunte,
Jab koi taga toot gaya yan khatm hua,
Fir se bandh ke aur sira koi jod ke usme aage bunne lagte ho,
Tere is tane me lekin ik bhi ganth rahe buntar ki,
dekha nahi sakta hai koi.

Maine bhi ik bar buna tha ek hi rishta,
Lekin uski saari girahen saaf nazar aaati hain mere yaar julahe,
Mujhko bhi tarqeeb sikha koi yaar julahe.
                -Gulzar


PS:This post is outcome of most hated ctrl+C and ctrl+V task; from title to the image nothing belongs to me...
sometimes we are so much helpless that even we can't express our own feelings..

Happy Children's Day

I guess by now, you must have seen these creative doodles. If not then have a look at the creativity of small kids from India.. How far they can see, what we are unable to..
appreciable work...

Invigilation duty

Two days ago, due to some sudden problem, Ramanathan Sir gave me duty of invigilating, actuarial students, for 2 hours (some internal assessment). I thought waste of two hours, and will be bored. But I took some problem with me for solving.
But it was entirely opposite. It was fun doing that. All the time I was wondering and remembering my days, when I used to be on that side. When they used to look here and there then it reminded me how I also did that so often. I had a strong dislike for filling sheets over sheets, which most of the friends used to do; so my answer sheet used to be have least possible number of pages (one reason was I used to study least so nothing to write :P). And consequently, I was always in habit of running away from Examination hall, even if I had things to write, as I was very lazy. And if in case someone tries to gets up before me, it was like a challenge to me; and then I can't allow another one to do that.
It always appeared to my mind, to tell the teacher, please take viva, but don't ask me to write. Aur agar nahi araha to why to keep pondering over the question paper until the last minute. Is some angel about to appear all of a sudden and tell me what is the answer to that question?..
(Back to present...) Alas, many of the students did the same. Kept staring on the paper and window alternatively. And for a change on there class fellows too. I have no idea about the difficulty level of paper. Couldn't make out a single question (except for the last question which asked about some Taylor's law, in which I knew the word Taylor, atleast :()
I thought of making some sketch, but it was more interesting to sit idle and watch them.
:-)

wood

                There was never a sound beside the wood but one,

                And that was my long scythe whispering to the ground.
                                                                -Robert Frost

Estimating Functions

IDRS-5
Inderdeep Kaur

As usual I was scared in the starting, but thats fine.
Estimating function approach is cool. But as sir said it depends on you whether omelette is important to you or the procedure by which it is bad, so people had objections. It will take time before tehy realize the power of this approach

Missed IDRS-3 by Richa (some simultaneous equation models.. :o)

just a dream

I don't know what it was..did it meant something more, to be interpreted, or simply a weird dream..
We are going somewhere, we pass by a airport, see a plane taking off. Our 4 wheeler takes a turn to a bad road. Then theres all sand on the way...on one side, big mountain covered with sand..and other side is barren land. There are other vehicles on the road. Suddenly the plane which we saw taking off has landed on that road...stops at one side(isn't it too weird now...what an imagination of dream...smart plane..!!!)
then as we pass through, it starts like some other vehicle on road. And now its chasing us.. May be we are victim of some plan..? Soon its going to bump into us...we have nowhere to escape, other than having the last moment of our life. But something else comes in and we are saved.
There was more of it..but I can't remember properly what it was. But on the other hand scenes from the initial part which I have described, is not going out of mind.

I am totally clueless. Whether it meant something or shall I leave it her?

Shortcomings

We all have faults that we try to hide. But the problem arises when we don't acknowledge these troubles and faults even to ourselves and pretend to be what we are not. A peacock looks beautiful when it dances but it cannot it cannot sing. A cuckoo is dark but has a golden voice. That is why a cuckoo should never dance and peacock should not try to sing !

We can live our lives in happiness only when we acknowledge our difficulties and failures and try to overcome them with our strength of character.

-'Gently falls the Bakula' by Sudha Murthy

memories

When they left kanpur, I never imagined that we will be meet again some day..i thought its too far away...as a collection of memories from kanpur i made this video (it was the first one I did...so very raw)..

But now when we met, it was like a dream come true...It was all so different.
I was so amused to hear full sentences from Aryaman. When he got down from lap, I expected him to jump, only late to realise, he is big now, nd his feet can touch floor easily..


Hope there will be more such moments...

tired yet i will miss these days

It is around 1700 kms on road, 5200 kms on rail and 5200 kms by air in 25 days (includes journey to westen and then to the southern most part of the country). Some of the parts were redundant, but could not be avoided due to some or the other reasons..
I like to travel, but never got to do as much as this month..and as a result i am tired of travelling, atleast for a while..although I have enjoyed these few days like anything. People with whom I travelled (whether it be family or friends) have made these days memorable... :)


Nothing could have been more relaxing than those blue waters..

and what could have been more enjoyable than travelling in those narrowroads with everything green around...

a very pleasant surprise

Today around 11 am when I was busy with some ridge regression stuff, someone from office upstairs came down, and said that I have a visitor at hostel. Actually someone from hostel office called in department. My first reaction was, he has mistaken, as I am not expecting anyone. Anyways I started for hostel. On the way met 2 juniors, who informed me that two old uncles are sitting in the office, and they are some bengali fellows, and they are claiming to be my father's friends. Now I was totally surprised, amused, shocked, a bit scared and full of questions to myself until I reached hostel. And what was next I could never dream even.

I used to go for morning walks this summer, which I have discontinued after vacation in July, due to busy schedule, despite of the fact that I enjoyed it more than many things I do now. There I became friend with many old people (that doesn't mean I don't talk to my generation ones, but I never found many). We shared smiles, Hi and Hello, sometimes 'why didn't u come yesterday'..thats it. Some talked even..like what are u doing where do u stay and all those stuffs..and few them liked the fact that I am going to study further.

So the story goes like this. When I was not seen there for 3 months, so some of them were sort of worried that she used to stay at hostel, so lets see everything is fine with her. And they came to find me out. It may sound strange that how and why should someone get worried for a total stranger. May be when they are far from their own kids, then they find reflection of them in others..there worries get refracted...

So we had a cup of coffee, talked for a while, and they left with a promise from me to resume walk. Anyways it was a very beautiful surprise.

sharing the moments

There were three parts of it..

Refreshing memories with the old friends...
It was very beautiful feeling being once again with all those special friends, talking endlessly, walking on the same straight road (for once I forgot I am no more a part of it), preparing that special salad, with the same noise, teasing, music, same internet proxies for blocked sites, having food in mess..
Peolple marked that Deep has changed alot, like 'look at the way u r talking, u have also been the same few years back dear... :o ', I know I have changed alot.
Then seeing all the teachers.. Deepa Mam, Amla Mam, OP Sir, Manisha Mam, Praveen Sir...and Piyush Sir, as usual he cares for us, and gives so many instructions, he still finds us kid. And Shalini Mam, I felt too good talking to her. After a long I got a opportunity to discuss about the things and career, with someone who can very well understand me...because she too thinks the same way as I do..

Seminar
This is supposed to be the main reason for trip, but actually it could not. First two days it was all repetition of I4 course we have in M.Sc. later things were new. Got to learn somethings, but not as much as I expected. Professors (from ISI kolkata) were as usual masters of the topics, but moreover they were very interactive..which is really appreciable.

Some new friends
This was something I had never expected off. But now I think may be that was obvious. People I went with were almost strangers, if not completely. But while my journey back we were no more strangers, but appeared like friends who know each other since long. We enjoyed every moment there, most of the time laughing and chatting..sometimes making fun of students from other universities, and sometimes it could be professors also. Discussing all sort of things..and then a day at Jaipur, was beautifully spent. In the end we all were wishing that soon another conference (or seminar) should come up in some part of the country.

The only bad thing was that during all these days I felt so much about many things, and wanted to share all of those, but couldn't find clock helping me, as a result i have to summarise everything in one post...

Frontiers

IDRS-4
Chanchala Ghadge on Frontier Models

These models are similar to those in regression approach but then the difference lies in the fact that we consider the best unlike regression where we consider averages. So obvious difference comes in the errors which are now combination of two ransom variables. One of them is usual regression error and another one will always be positive(because we are considering the best model).

PS: Topic was interesting, but TVR was forced to speak in between all the time (seeing our helpless faces).

Note: IDRS-3 was by Rupali on some fractional Factorial Designs and real life experiment related to it (curd making). I am still unable to develop a liking or interest for DOE. So I don't have to regret much about missing the session. But may be this session was interesting enough to capture me.

nostalgic.

Almost after 2 years and some 3 months I am going for a visit to place where I stayed at hostel for the first time. I was too scared at the name of hostel and all those stuff after class 12th; but Banasthali was like none of those scary things. The most special thing is the warmth shared by 2 persons, whether it be roommates or a hostellite and warden. What I have missed most about it is hostel life and the friends. We somehow had a sort of family with no bounds. Room appeared to be home.. When I came to Pune, I enjoyed every bit of it, the department, new batchmates, trips, freedom to be what you want, talk on phone; but could not have friends like those.

A chance to see all of them again. I hope I will make most out of these 4 days.. :)

Bayesians have their own ways

IDRS - 2
Neelabh Rohan on Information Criteria for Bayesian's

Under classical setup for choosing models we use AIC and BIC criteria. But these involve likelihood which further takes the parameter as constant. But if we are defining model with prior distribution for parameter itself (that is where Bayesian comes into picture), then we cannot use the usual likelihood and hence criteria fail.

The first one is Deviance Information Criteria, given by Spiegelhalter (2000) in JRSS, which considers the model complexity (in terms of number of parameters) at the same time the usual -2log L term (which involves posterior estimate of the parameter).

The Focused Information criteria, given by Claskens and Hjort (2003) in JASA, considers only those parameters (or their functions) which are in focus, instead of taking all. This criteria is there for both frequentists as well as Bayesians. We have some fixed parameters (narrow part of model) and some parameters which keep changing (the wide part of it). So using the information matrices for these vector parameters a criteria is being formulated.

PS 1: The beauty of these criterias is that they can handle the models which have varying number of parameters.
PS 2: I will miss the next session. :(

in the end it's right

So I got answers to all my Whys..
Key is to accept people as they are. They are not I, that they should be like me, behave in the manner I like. It doesn’t makes sense in expecting others to behave in the way I do. The best way is to accept a person with his individuality. And not only others but it is important to accept the own self as a unique being.
Sometimes unknowingly I get hurt by some acts of others; but then it is not because they are unkind, or impolite, or they want to hurt me. Its just because their ways are like that; may be their culture or upbringing.
They are just simple friends, so best way is not to bother my mind, because that cannot change them or their habits or their thinking. Only thing I can change is my own point of view towards them..

because...
Another turning point, a fork stuck in the road
Time grabs you by the wrist, directs you where to go
So make the best of this test, and don't ask why
It's not a question, but a lesson learned in time

It's something unpredictable, but in the end it's right.
I hope you had the time of your life.

So take the photographs, and still frames in your mind
Hang it on a shelf in good health and good time
Tattoos of memories and dead skin on trial
For what it's worth it was worth all the while

It's something unpredictable, but in the end it's right.
I hope you had the time of your life.
-from Green Day's Time of Your Life

I want to have time of my life ...so :)

PS: Thanks Maryam.

Why?

Why is it so that, everything is alright but still something in everything is stuck?

Why I am clueless about how 24 hrs go away, despite of the fact that neither I am sleeping much nor I am procastinating work?

Why the air in the room is bit weird and uncomfortable?

Why sometimes we are not able to handle even the formatting of simple forms on IE, and waste almost 2 hrs on that?

Why don't people keep their words instead of having an excuse ready everytime?

Why do they think that to fool someone is that easy?

Why does it always have to rain only at the time when I am longing for a walk?

Why don't clouds pour down and empty their heart when they are full of water, and rain would be comforting them?

Why urgency for pouring down goes away as soon as we are able to pen down?

Why should this post make sense to anyone who is reading this?

Why..?

Informal Discussions for Research Students

IDRS - I
Dr.T V Ramanathan on Edgeworth Expansion

As TVR said this series is being started for the third time, as for the first two it was forced to stop due to lack of speakers. He is quite hopeful that its not going to happen again, and I stand with him.

This Saturday Sir initiated, on Edgeworth Expansion. Applications sound interesting. How we could go ahead of Central Limit Theorem before assuming Asymptotic Normality. Expressions may seem bit clumsy, but then we it gives us more confidence in the inference we draw.

Due to Vaishali's very very heavy Cheese Mysore Masala Dosa, I expected myself of having a doze in the lecture. But as usual TVR's enthusiasm is best at keeping me awake.

I hope IDRS will keep going this time.

Sunday

"Can you tell me why people go to such lengths to hide their selves? Or why I always behave very differently when I'm in the company of others? Why do people have so little trust in one another? I know there must be a reason, but sometimes I think it's horrible that you can't ever confide in anyone, not even those closest to you."
-The Diary of a Young Girl

Its a bit hard to imagine how a girl who is just 13 years old thinks so much about human nature. May be these are circumstances, which are responsible for our emotional growth, and it is not directly related to physical growth.

Apart from reading Sunday was cool. It started with 3-4 hours of work, which i did to compile the details for discussion with Sir. Later was bit upset about not being able to go to Nanak Darbar.
But with F.R.I.E.N.D.S. and then a good sleep followed by evening walk in cool breeze, made my weekend to end nicely..

paper is more patient than people

In spite of the length of my to do list (which includes tasks from my research guide who keeps on increasing the length whenevr I see him.. and the project head who is adding to it, with latest one to make a annual report of project which I have joined just 50 days ago...) I have been reading lately Anne Frank's The Diary of a young Girl (title of this post comes from it). I personally feel that actually no one on earth has got patience for listening to someone when shes speaking out all her heart. Atleast when its a chatter box like me. Theres lot more freedom to write on paper. Freedom to say anything. But then why I found blogging as better option than writing on diary? May be after 4-5 failed attempts to start writing regularly I have lost all interest to try it once again.
And then when I write its me all alone. But this way I virtually feel that I am sorrounded by people.

To my irritation I have not been able to finish these 427 pages. Its almost a month since I started. Theres lot to do, and another reason to hurry is my plans for vacation in the next month.

Yesterday night while going through I liked these lines from the book,
"You can be lonely even when you're loved by many people, since you're still not anybody's 'one and only '",
and somehow I agreed.

Keep Smiling Forever

so my little brother...though now you are no more as little as in this old memory...you will be a year older today. Times have changed and we are far apart, but over this distance we have become closer, as the time passes by. Always trusted you, and and have shared every secret,wish we will always have the same warmth in our relation.

Wishing you all smiles and joys forever.
A Very Happy Birthday.

this is one fine day

I did not realise that this could be that special. Today when Neelabh came up with his dissertation ready, there was something extraordinary about it. I thought this would be like any other usual moment, when we are happy about somethings. But no this wasn't like that. There is some special glitter in the eyes ...some contentment. As if the dissertation cover and he was on contest on whos gonna excel out.
And looking all this I realised the hard work behind, which gives this spirit, and way to singular smile...so that the small problems we face in the journey don't seem anything when once we have 'that' in hand.

:)

what happened

What happened to those times, when I had breaks more often to speak of my worries, to share incidents which brought glitter to my eyes, when I was free with my complains about each single issue, when my stupidity made everyone laugh. What left is just chaos of voices all around me, which are doing the same what I used to.

There are these lone night walks now; when no one is ahead of me, no one is at the back, and what twinges most is that no one on my side; tired feet not ready to step ahead but mind not ready to stop and move back. Tears even have become unfriendly enough to refuse to come out when there is no place for them within.

I have yet to learn the ability of hiding the emotions, which keep on peeping, when they shouldn’t be. And everyone around doubts, but no one is left to dig out, and bring the smile with smudges still left on the cheeks.

This again is a pointless post, but as my headline says it is all about the moments which are holding me, and this is one such, although it is longer than a moment.

Why day by day my blog is becoming more and more like a mourning one.???
I wish sometime I will again have some stuff like those of LHLB or those cartoon sketches, reading what would bring smile and not this, what it is now.

August Rush

...this time it was Jyoti.
Any time I have someone watching this around me I can't stop myself from giving him company... I have watched it 4 times I guess, but I am sure I will soon find an excuse to watch again..May be because I find it as the most relaxing, soothing and comforting movie...


Listen, do you hear it? The music. I can hear it everywhere. The wind. In the air. In the light. It’s all around us. All you have to do is open yourself up. All you have to do is listen.

Wish for Retake

I am not sure what was the reason...but that happened..
I know I am not very great at communicating, but atleast I am average. And if thats matter of facing a class of 50 then even that has been done successfully. I remember Microarray reasearch paper presentations, and those of project evaluations. I was complimented for explaining, in a way that even those understood the content who were not related to those topics. But yesterday, when people were specially suggested to attend to mine..then I spoiled everything.

It was the presentation of doctoral research proposal. I was ready. And Sir wanted few from MSc final years students to attend to that. I thought I would be able to explain the matter to them, and that won't create any problem. But I don't how at that moment I got nervous. It APPEARED that everything has started well off..but as I came to the 5th slide from the end, it was as if I am being moved from some dream. I was shocked that it wasn't more than 15 mins since I started and I am near end.
It was too late to realise, but I started moving slower. But it was in vain now.

Alls well that ends well...the queries by the referees were also almost answered..and my proposal is approved.
But later not only the juniors complained about not being able to understand anything, even Sir pointed out that I should have been slower.

Thats one moment I would like to have retake for.. I wish there could have been some mechanism of rewind..
But in real life we don't have one.

Ended in a Wordle.

So insane of me to write this..but the experiences in last few days force me to react in that manner. As usual I would be abstract, so theres a warning before you move ahead. This might end up as another "bina sar paer ki post".

Sometimes a feeling of care which is purely genuine and true within the heart of person might end up as a reason of distress to the person for whom it is shown.
There are situations when neither we could help ourselves nor the people who care for us. As in nothing is in our control.. Rather we have to keep sitting quitely, waiting for the next moment. In fact there is no use of guessing what is going to happen in the future. Any no. of possibilities we imagine, but what happends would be beyond imagination.
And such things create problem when the people around us out of care keep asking us different type of queries regarding the problem...and I don't have answers to them.
But there voices with so many question marks ringing around, force me to think about the solutions, which actually don't exist at the momnent. Why don't they realise that such care is not giving any comfort to me. Once my mind enters into such a thought process it does not agrees to come out of it, for hours. In the course out of the irritation I hurt them. And I don't intend to this. I am Sorry. I hope the one for whom this is will understand. I wish you are reading this.


Why to care about the large big fat problems, why don't we have small goals set in front of us to move ahead with life. This is what I learnt today when I just paid attention to Richa's Mantras on a Wordle..they were simple but superb..and would be great in this wait-and-watch-what-happens-next situation. I am sorry dear, if you don't like me putting them here, as they were your secrets.. Here they are as I see them..
> Dreams - Realise their power
> Break Bonds
> Time is Limited
> Everything in life will settle down, but time won't come back
> Love life
> Strive...Suffer
> Decide Priorities
> Potential in Infinite
> Live Fully
> Deathbed Mentality
> Commitment
> Perseverance
> Work Harder
> Step Forward Everyday

Thanks...

Finally...

Finally I am a research student now... :)...something inside me was waiting for this since long..Though there was no hurdle in between but somehow it took so long. Things seem to be settled down now...not completely, I have to do some settlement for hostel problem.. Still life is now somewhat on track...after all I am back to blog...I hope so... :P
And on serious note... I got room also with the other research scholars...that was expected, but the special thing was TVR and Nimbalkar Mam came downstairs with me to see if everything will be OK there..I don't know thats what with every one else...but .. :)

Anyways..lets see wats next...because already much has happened thats unexpected..

chand akela hai

yuun toh saath hai yeh taare
baadal hai baahein pasaare
phir bhi chaand akela hai
saari raat tanaha roye
boondo se daaman bhigoye
haan yeh chaand akela hai...

yeh chaand us kaale aasmaan par
chaand? jhalakata huva
kuchh maayus, kuchh majboor, khoya huva
yeh chaand akela hai...

dinbhar kaha kho jaaye, jaane kaha ho aaye
dhunde kise banke hawa, koyi jaane na
saagar mein din dhal jaaye
aur shaam ke yeh saayein dheere se odhale jahaan
aur aasmaan taaron se julfein sajaayein
soone maathe pe basaayein
woh chaan woh chaand jo akela hai
saari raat tanaha roye, boondo se daaman bhigoye
woh chaand akela hai

woh chaand jo akela hai...

- from SHAAN - LOVE STORY

Cycle of Thoughts or Blah

So hopefully there is an end to the solitude, I mean as the last comment says: ‘vacation’ of solitude ends…because I am on my real vacations :)

It is almost a month now, since I have scribbled anything here. I am not used to being so irregular anywhere. I always make my presence felt once in a while any where it be (except for a few exceptions). And I don’t want this blog to belong to that class of exceptions.

I thought and thought again over the possible reasons..
> Increase in the load of work (I am not used to this)
> Worrying a lot about few issues which I should have left with time to be solved (I always do this)
>Coming across some new blogs which in a way I liked and started reading and always look up to… now don’t expect me to list them here.. :P
(none of them are on any social issues and over that most of them are non-fictional, hopfully)

By the by at small note I should mention that to my surprise I just noticed today that number of blogs I follw(Publicly/Anonymously) has become 30..

Whenever I come across any such new thing (in ref. to the blogs encountered), I always keep wondering about…about many things at the same time...
>Not only the face, how vivid could be the grey matter of the any two brains, carrying beauty of its own?
>How are some people able to write something so interesting so that I have to go back to all older posts and finish reading them up?
>Whenever I read them why does my brain stops working in a way to write something of my own? Do my expectations from the own self increase, and there comes up a desire to write something as captivating as those? Am I missing the usual spontaneity with which I used to write?

Anything that happened be it good or bad or usual, I used to mention here (provided its worth for that). So is it that nothing is happening or may be things are happening but I am unable to scratch them. Even I am finding it difficult to do it now; so is it the peace of mind that’s lacking?
May be Yes.

"Solitude, a good place to visit, but a poor place to stay."

Isn't it?

a warm welcome to the new day

Today, exactly after 6 months when I headed towards that same old road, I felt so good.
It was something around 5:30 in the morning, almost 6 hours from the time I have fallen asleep, when bed bugs woke me up. By the by I was literally fallen down on the pillow while revising something in matrices, I think it was skew symmetric. After 30 mins of sleeplessness (that comprised of some n no. of failed attempts to sleep again), helpless I was. So got up and decided to go for something I was thinking to do from last 7 days.
Morning Walk.
I used to go for morning walk in the 3rd sem for about a month or two (despite of the fact that I am quite precise in remembering dates, I could just remember I stopped at Diwali, unable to recall the moment which led me to start it). The reasons for ending the habit as well as not starting in the next semester can be labeled, without any argument, as lame excuses from a lazy fellow; eg. My lectures start at 12:15pm, then how and why should I get up at 6:00am.
Morning walks for some are about losing extra pounds and solution to few physical problems. I don’t fit to these. My reasons may or may not seem sensible..
> Feeling the cool breeze
> Sense the freshness in ambiance
> Relaxation from those smiling faces
>Getting energy from the enthusiasm of people who have their age almost 2 to 3 times that of mine
>Chirping of birds in the all new silence of the morning which reminds me those in my balcony at home
> Ray of hope and optimism from those (fellows from paraplegic centre) who could not stand on their feet for rest of their life.
Good enough reasons to continue.

As I scribble this over, with a cup of milk, I am remembered of my thoughts yesterday afternoon. I have had been through a few occupied days, at least more occupied than the usual ones of a lazy being like me, and know that some more are ahead, due to research proposal. I was wondering, has that time approached when I will also have to complain about the shortage of time and have to give a some sort of blow to my only blog, as a fellow blogger did week before.
Now I know the answer. No.

There are few things in life living without which is not at all difficult. But you have to keep them living so as to give life to your life. I think that morning road and this place to scribble are among those.



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It isn't time that's passing by

As Ruskin says.."It isn't time that's passing by..It is you and I."

some people, as they join us on the way, gradually became part of life..then suddenly paths change,with no hopes of these new paths to cross in future. we move ahead leaving some part of us behind, at the point of divergence..moving ahead with the void; and then someone else joins, who unknowingly fills the empty space and starts this infinite loop again.
..but can never take the place of those who are left back sometime at some cross road.

walked miles..hand in hand..chatted endlessly.
still walking..now hands trying to hold the breeze,the only companion..memories chattering into themselves.

waiting for the one to make this being enter that loop again, who can hold the hand and settle down that chatter of memories.



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A DROP

Grey sky, bending over the greener earth due to the loads of clouds it just received. The wind which is coming from some faraway land, brushed away whispering something unsaid. Bringing with it the nostalgic smell of soil that takes heart back to old days. And there it is; the first drop that gently kissed the forehead.

PS: This was what I felt after the first shower of this season.



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Just a Matter of Some Times

Sometimes nothing happens,
Sometimes things happen but there’s no reason for them,
Sometimes there’s a reason but we are unable to understand,
Sometimes we understand it but cannot explain,
Sometimes we can explain but no one will understand,
And,
Sometimes I don’t get I am in which of these times,
Some Times…



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not arbitrary..

Can I once again plan not to plan anymore for the future..
Yup..I am tired of making plans and anlysing the future events before they have happened...then offcourse as they are not supposed to happen according to me..and they don't...I feel sad about it...
Isn't it good to take one day at a time..or more preferably..one moment at a time..?
I hope soon i'll do that, taking things as they come.
All life brings with it is confusions...unexpected twists and turns..some sweet surprises..some bad shocks.!!!
And these are good on the whole; because thats the way HE has planned everything.
but we, with minds set here and there, with many imaginations for future...make the situation bad..and harder to accept whats coming ahead; although it might be better than what we thought.

I don't know why I am scratching all this here..I think may be I am pleased with an episode going on with me, which I never expected.

An Entrance Test That Was

It was full of core mathematics… algebra & complex analysis…and a bit of calculus. I could solve neither of them, but atleast calculus questions could be understood .One of them made me wonder what used to be ‘removable singularity’. I learnt these courses 2-3 years back in my graduation, but neither were they in that depth nor did I like them so much to study on my own.

I am talking about IISC enterance exam for research. I and a friend of mine filled the form for research in mathematics department as they don’t have one for statistics. We got convinced by looking at their webpage that they have work going on in advanced probability theory and time series, but when told by TVR about the actual scene in statistics, what I could say was just that ”chalo koi nahi…atleast we can try solving paper just like that..anyways I don’t have to go there”.

And when I saw the paper I was so amused, that I cannot stop myself from smiling. I was thinking how many minutes I will be able to tolerate those mathematical questions.
I solved a few objectives, and one cannot imagine how many were guesses ;)..
But when I came to subjective questions, I can only try reading and understanding the 2 calculus ones, I played with them for about 15 mins. There was no question of doing that with isomorphism, homomorphism, order of group, cyclic group, analytical functions and singularities. So insane of them to put not a single statistical question, atleast it would have been easy for me to pass time.
By the by, during all this invigilator came to desk for signatures. And I made no delay in asking about the time limit one has to sit there, which came out to be 1 hour.
So, when finished with the maximum I can do with calculus ones, I was wondering how to spent the other 20 mins, I wasn’t sleepy even. All of a sudden I located their symbol on question paper, and since drawing is a good pastime, going by my recent experiences. I tried hands on it for quite a while. And then it was 10:05 am. So, time to leave. I asked the person and left the room.
But then there was something more for me. As I was about to leave the centre, a person with long hairs and long beard(LHLB), who claimed himself to be in charge stopped me

LHLB: Were you writing the exam?
Me: Yes..
LHLB: You are not supposed to leave before 11.
Me: Invigilator didn’t tell.. :o
LHLB: He might not be knowing, you should go back.
Me: What if I don’t, will I be disqualified?...You may do that.
LHLB: Its not a matter of that, you are not allowed to leave
Me: I am not well.
LHLB: Sleep there.

He grumbled something for invigilator and sent me back. Never wanting to go back, I roamed here and there in the building for few mins as he was not clever enough to send some one with me, to make sure I am going back to room. I again came back thinking of some way out. This time I was lucky, as no one there on the entry, so I came out in hasty steps, as if escape from custody. When I was far off I got relaxed. But all of a sudden my conscious said why am I running. Someone inside said me to go back and tell them I am going with some strong good reason, even if it’s a lie. I was confused, I turned my steps twice to move back. Finally I decided to go back. Entering the control room, I said I cannot sleep even , I have got dysentery. He was like, “OK on medical grounds I will let you go”.


I could not stop myself smiling on the whole way back, relaxed enough I turned to OC had breakfast, wondering how much scolding that invigilator might have got because of leaving me early. :)




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Nothing

Nothing is going on.i mean nothing is happening...its all going on, as it should be except for few random events..which could not be called errors...apparently things seem to be alright. We want life to be like that, but it makes u feel blank. Life..is something that gives a experience each day..bt still some days though having their own importance go unnoticed...just like.....

A Page from the New Diary
The day changed only on the paper calendar;
the steel belted dial of time turned,
the clock-work doll stepped
beyond the threshold of its home & danced in circles.

Hands clapped,
Laughter crowned the scene.
A playful sun-deer panted & trembled,
Dashed into the black tyre
of the last bus,
fell, and went to pieces.
One more day
Turned away offended.

Exactly what I had feared
happened today.
Today, again,
nothing happened.
        -Nida Fazli

Khatam Afsana ho gaya

Anjane anddithe do dil mile, vaqat sohana ho gaya.
Karte mel milaya sacha, sada sama suhana ho gaya
Parwar khidiya naal khushiyan, ghar ashiyana ho gaya
Oh meri diwani ho gayi, mai uhda diwana ho gaya
Aayi bhi oh gayi vi oh, khatam afsana ho gaya

Kathe rehnde, dukh sukh sehnde, din change mande saath saal zamana ho gaya
Jis di pujje audh tise kaun rakhai, gurbani furmana ho gaya
Awan jaan ik khel rab da, bas bimari bahana ho gaya
Naal bimariyan darad de dukhi si, dillon sukhi ho chupke hi jana ho gaya
Aayi bhi oh gayi vi oh, khatam afsana ho gaya

Supne vich mai ayi vekhi, kaihendi sach sachi hamdardi
Piyare jiwan supna samjho, nale dithi akhiyan bhardi
Socha, chinta di chikha na saiheni paindi, nirbhau je kar mai na mardi
Chup kite hi mai sochan, oh vi soche, lekha jivan chukana ho gaya
Aayi bhi oh gayi vi oh, khatam afsana ho gaya

Simran path vich man nahi lagda, mushkil sama nibhana ho gaya
Dardi dil dukhan da bharya, dora-sharir-kapda purana ho gaya
Sabar piyala hajam nahi honda, vekh tamasha rab da mai diwana ho gaya
Uska raha na rab ka, nirbhau be thakana ho gaya
Aayi bhi oh gayi vi oh, khatam afsana ho gaya.
                                             -NIRBHAU

I was trying to find out this poem written by my grandpa since his birthday in February..atlast I got it so thought to share here. He wrote this after my grandma passed away.
As its in punjabi and written in gurmukhi script actually..so transliteration might make it bit difficult to understand.

An "E" again

As a result of those pastimes in the lectures I was totally blank on the day before of sampling internal.
I don’t know why there is so much of repulsion between me and sampling. Yesterday it seemed as if someone has put something around my head, which is not allowing anything to enter within; may be some sort of firewall which was trying to protect my brain from sampling stuff.
I sort of hate it. I know its not good at my part to say something like this for a course in statistics. But is it necessary to like each and every part course. I don’t want to be a sage to love everything and hate nothing. In previous semesters I didn’t liked DOE. All this doesn’t goes random, I have figured out a tentative pattern behind: may be I dislike field and industrial type papers. What I like is theoretical topics along with applications. I am myself confused. Because at the end even stochastics and markov chains are there for data handling only. Let it be, I will try to analyse my situation some other time.
After 1st internals, I convinced myself for writing notes instead of making cartoons. In each lecture of 1 hour I used to give 5-6 failed attempts of paying attention to what she is saying. And I cannot retain my patience for more than 2-3 mins, in extreme case it might have gone to 4, but not more than that.
And then day before exam things become tare zameen par.
Things are even worse when you get stuck with some problem of markov chains, solving which off course is more interesting than studying this.

So I have only 3 options for the grades in this course…and that are
a) E
b) E
c) E

Doesn’t matters…at least the course is over.. so no more bearance…




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Thoughts about Me

Few friends of mine, as they see the blog suggest why do you always write about YOURSELF. I wondered on this for quite a while. But then as I think and think again on it, I realised that, for me I am the most important person. This statement may seem selfish and self-obsessed, but then it does not matters to me. I think to most of us the first thing that matters is our ownselves; it could be directly or indirectly... some admit and some don't.

need to be changed@deep...way of reacting to different situations have always been too direct, thats not out of choice...always find myself a looser in manipulating my reactions. And I believe everyone of us thinks something weird about everything, but then we dont express it always. Even I don't. I dont like being diplomatic, but there have been few instances where I really think I could have behaved in a better manner.

happy with that@deep...never loved being someone else to make others happy. By now all my decisions have been just mine. They made others unhappy but in course of time things settle down, except for few moments when a corner of heart aches within...par
gulashan kii faqat phuulon se nahiin kaanton se bhii ziinat hotii hai,
jiine ke liye is duniyaa men gam kii bhii zaruurat hotii hai

need to be changed@deep..."gam" thats another thing I wonder alot about. Even most of the time I find myself writing about something sad, something gloomy, something that made me unhappy... its very seldom when I am happy and writing. May be we write only when we introspect; and we introspect only when we are in a sort of negative airs or may be blank.
vo purasish-e-gam ko aaye hain kuchh kah na sakun chup rah na sakun,
Khaamosh rahun to mushkil hai kah dun to shikaayat hoti hai

happy with that@deep...always find going into extreme of things, tastes, hobbies, interests and all that. Whenever I like doing something I totally become crazy for that, and keep on doing that repeatedly or may be continuously...and then as it happens, intensity goes down...and i wonder and smile about that period...be it internet, Ruskin Bond, RK Narayan, some blog, movies, picasa or any blah..
ai vaaiz-e-naadaan karataa hai tuu ek qayaamat kaa charchaa,
yahaaN roz nigaahen milatii hain yahaan roz qayaamat hotii hai

need to be changed@deep...keep on wondering about anything or things which matter equivalent to nothing...for long..longer than required. This is what I feel if I could change I can give my potential better off to issues which are more important to me and my future.

happy with that@deep...becoming too happy, cheerful, high on spirits and excited on even the very small things. Can't stop smiling and then everyone can identify that from the glitter in eyes. I always love those moments as present as well as the past.
raat bhar sochta raha tujhko,
zehno dil mere raat bhar mehke

As a matter of fact I again ended up writing something about myself... with the help of lines which I find very close to myself. And I would say I can't help it..thats the way I am.!!

Change

"Things are going too fast after the result...and it seems too hectic, as if responsibility on little shoulders is increasing exponentially..." that is what I have been exactly wondering about from 2-3 days...
Internals
Project
Interview for fellowship
Final Semester Exams
CSIR Exam
Proposal for Research
.......this is a small list...for doing them so many tasks need to be done. Theres nothing like that these are forced on me.. I am happy to do but then I just need to manage and schedule up a bit, which I am not at all used to..
Many more things are coming up in few months which actually I am not used to...one will be to stay without batchmates who slowly became friends, and giving long stretches on reading and so on. That might include having meals alone, as well as very cherished night walks.
I have got to know this a bit before, so I think I should try adapting for this change; and don't complain as if ' who moved my cheese?'

Somehow these lines from Ruskin Bond's text are soothing me up now, although they not at all relate to my state now.

Remembering the times gone by,
With a twinkle in my eyes, alas the sigh
Every moment beautiful, every smile charming
These are the memories I have of the days passing.

The silent talk under the star lit sky
Looking upwards flying ever so high
Sharing our lives, caring for one another
Seeing each other happy, the days full of wonder

The endless discussions, the dreamy flights
It seemed things were in plain sight
The illusion was broken, our hands were tied.
You left, leaving me misty eyed.!!!

That Happened to be True.

A few days back I mentioned about some weird dream I had one fine morning. And now today as it became true, at first I was not at all able to decide the way I should react. I have cleared the exam so it’s a matter to be happy and so was everyone around and congratulating me. But as I know that was not the only thing I wanted. I aimed at JRF, but could get LS only. So just that seems to be as good as not having it. But I can not explain it to others, and was unable to react properly. To them my reaction seemed to be weird. Mummy said I am not satisfied with what I got but I actually never wanted it. Anyways later I realized the worth of moment and enjoyed it. Atleast I have not completely disappointed the people who expected from me
Something I feel like reproducing here is what I felt 5 days before the exam. I was not on blog roll then so thing remained on my laptop, for a while.
(contd.)
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Fear of failure
December 15, 2008
It’s so intense that it is stopping me from making any effort. There’s a strong feeling that it is not possible to do it now; I am too late. Yesterday it was fine but all of a sudden today it altogether seems impossible. I don’t know why my all sorts of energy levels are always at extreme ends. Few days back being very positive of achieving the target, I was happy enough; now I am not at all feeling like making an appearance in the exam. Life once again seems gloomy. It has always been the same with me.
But I am totally clueless what to do right now, and how to proceed with such feelings. I can’t let this chance go like that, since this is absolutely a first and last chance for me. In a way I am in a do or die situation. But now with just 5 more days to go, and loads ahead, seems unattainable with my sort of working style.
And this ‘lost a battle without struggling’ sort of feeling is making me feebler at work.
Lets see what God has in His stores for me.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
(contd.)
Though at the moment it may not seem the best, but GOD always keeps something good for everyone. And later, people like me realize how that turned out to be the best thing to happen. So let me see now how it turns out to be the best.

Who showed the path

In this long journey, called life, we come across different people. Each moment witnesses an encounter with a person, who goes by and teaches us some lesson. And that’s the way life is, discovering something or the other at each instant, whether consciously or unconsciously. So in a way the world around us is a teacher.
But all of a sudden, today I feel like thanking all my teachers (though its not the occasion of teacher’s day or guru poornima, but it is something more important to me).
There are some people in my life who have direct influence on what I am now, and more importantly what I want to become. They have enlightened my path with their experiences and guidance. It is because of there direction that I know what I want out of myself.



Papa: Man of basics
Starting with the most important person. My first teacher, because of whom I always enjoyed mathematics and loved it like anything, when many around hated it. He is responsible for my interest, which is carried on uptil now, and I am sure its going to stay forever. He always taught me the biggest problems, in the simplest way. He removed all panic which could be at that tender age. And then later he has been always there to supported me with my decisions, although at each of it I go against him. Even today its the same.


Piyush Sir & Pandey Sir
They were the first ones to believe, even before me, that I am capable of doing something more than a job at some company. With hell lot of impatience in me it seemed impossible; and they seemed, as if saying some words to encourage me, but now when I am really upto that, I realize they knew me more than I do, and believed me.

Alok Goswami
I interacted with him for a very short period (10 days or so) in a workshop on stochastic processes. At the end of those 10 days I was out of all confusions about whether to go for some professional course (like mca or mba) or continuing with statistics. And that was the time I somehow started liking Stochastic specifically.



Ramanathan Sir: Modest person, accessible to all
Remembering the time, when I was new to department (for M.Sc.) everyone tried to frighten about him in some or the other manner, but despite all, I could never develop any sort of negative feelings. At times when I could not perform well in his subject, there wasn’t a fear of poor scores, but the fear of letting down his expectations. The trust in his eyes was the only thing which encouraged me to not only opt for an extra course, but also make it happen. I am not sure how and what but something in him has always influenced me to be like him.



Marathe Sir: Perfect combination of precision and depth
This is no overstatement. Whatever concepts he taught us were always refined, accurate, with no loopholes in them and expected the same from us. Having three courses under him is really a matter of good fate. And his promise for a course in my much loved topic, Stochastics, (provided I come back) is like a dream come true state. He always shows his confidence in us, which keeps us moving forward. He is the one who has shown me the path towards a research career rather than serving some one.


Kunte Sir: Master of Bridge & Bayesian at the same time
He made me move a step ahead towards my interest. The way he makes things light and smooth going, in a perfect blend of theory with applications, with a tint of historical incidence, makes it impossible for to miss his talks. And after all he has the most delighted laugh with so many “ho-ho”s, and even if its your stupidity that made him laugh you would yourself be laughing in a moment.

Rajarshi Sir
In the 2nd semester I not at all liked him. He is amazing with his brain at applications but I was a sort of scared of him, and neither did I get some very good scores. I even remember dreaming him rusticating me for some mischieve. But now this semester things are completely different. Theres no repulsion. And I have realised he is very helpful and guides very humbly. And above that when he explains applications of stochastic things are so wonderful. And may be my future work would go on under him. :)

Life: As I see it

1)struggle for existence
2)few moments with smile on face and shine in eyes, followed by a lot full of straight face and watery eyes
3)every moment trying to make optimism to overcome the pessimist within
4)a fight with the own self.
5)chasing dreams; mind it not pursuing...times running fast.
6)disappointing those who love you & care for you; and then getting disappointed on this.
7)failed attempt to make others happy.
8)feeling short of word when you have a pile within.
9)a feel to scream out in the ears of those who are not trying to listen to u, pretending as deaf.
10)ending up as a good listener, when wanting to speak out.
11)trying different ways to fill void space inside.
12)trying to make the temper a bit longer as it is too short.
13)wishing to be a kid again, although i have still parts of it within.
14)admiring some criticising others.
15)hating to get identically distributed as all but loving to be independent random variable.
16)being selfish
17)as I thought few people are always gud to us, I was wrong(in reference to previous post)


PS:
1)its too random and I myself is not sure what form of writing was that
2)i'll keep adding what I feel to this list
3)feel free to add ur perceptions

Its so nice of GOD to make a few people who are always good to us..No matter how much we hurt them, they are always thinking for our happiness..
and what do we do other than thinking for ownself...how selfish.!!

A troubled Eye

the day I wrote last post I was already not in a good form and another thing that kept me occupied the whole day was one of the murphy’s law..”Things tend to go from bad to worse”.... There was some intuition that things are surely gonna be worse for the day and one ahead but I did not knew how.
I went outside the campus in the evening to finish some work and while coming back something crept into one of my visual organ. I was alone so in an attempt to remove it I kept rubbing it...until I reached hostel. A friend helped me doing it but it was already in sort of injury. And there I was with the most boring way to enjoy a weekend. I was supposed to close my eyes and give them rest as much as I can....I have to do that with both, because eyes are the twin ones and don’t do anything alone....and without them if I was unable to study the course then it might have been alright, but I was not supposed to complete my second reading of English Teacher also.. :( . What else could be done, no movies even.!!!
Every time I am the one whos scolding people around for not taking care of their health, bt this time everyone else got a chance, as if taking a revenge. I was one of the quiz cordinators to be held on saturday, but then with eyes closed the only thing I could do was to give suggestions on what to ask where, thanks to the partner she managed everything quite smartly.
After sleeping for 14-15 hours my patience ended. Friends tried giving me company, and not to let me bore.. I am not at ease for asking people favours...it makes me uncomfortable if I bother someone for quite long.. and that was the yesterday eve... so at around 7:30 to make myself relax, went to the roof..in a bit of sad tone.
But moon made me smile as I climbed. It was not full, may be in a day or so. But it filled everything with its light, as if giving a positive feel to everything. I decided to lay down. I think nature is the best thing that was ever made by God, better the human even, we are good for nothing just spoiling all the beauty. The breeze seemed to be very special, as if taking away all my worries, confusions and dilemmas. Now as I am writing this I still have to hold my eye and bear with the itching patiently...but then I could not keep myself away from scribbling here anymore.

Me

Everyone is happy with preperations for annual gathering going on; all of a sudden I am losing all excitement..all the enrgy, as someone is pulling everything out.
most of the people around are not happy with meand to make the situation worse everyone near is increasing his expectations towards me...from friends to teachers....even the own self.
I am lost...confused...preplexed.

A Butterfly

Some very beautiful and refreshing lines ...from RK narayan's English Teacher, portraying the love and affection between a man, who has become callous after death of his wife, and his daughter...

"The first thing that woke me in the morning was the cold hands of my daughter placed on my forehead and the shout "Appa" (father), or sometimes she just sat, with her elbows on the ground and her chin between the palms, gazing into my face as I lay asleep. Whenever I opened my eyes in the morning, I saw her face close to mine, and her eyes scrutinizing my face. I do not know what she found so fascinating there. Her eyes looked like a pair of dark butterflies dancing with independent life, at such close quarters.
"Oh father has woken up!" she cried happily. I looked at her with suspicion and asked: "What have you been trying to do so close to me?" " I only wanted to watch that is all. I didn't wake you up."
"Watch what?"
"I wanted to watch if any ant or fly was going to get into you through your nose, that is all..."
"Did any get in?"
"No. Because I was watching." There was a hint in her tone as if a sentry had mounted guard against a formidable enemy.
"What do you do when you sleep, father?" Once again a question that could not be asked by an adult; perhaps only another child could find an answer for it. " I was saying something close to you and yet you didn't reply."
"What were you saying?"
"I said: there is a peppermint, open your mouth!...

Anonymous

I am feeling like writing something, don’t know what but I want to. Not feeling a bit well, so may be after an attempt I will feel alright.
Today last lecture was that of Bayesian Inference, as usual. But with Kunte Sir each usual thing happens to become different. He is always there with something interesting, may be some historical fact like that of D.Basu’s example of elephants or some paradox.
With the continuous headache since the last night, I am feeling irritated. Atleast the usual charged behaviour is missing. At times such positive behaviour could also become a reason for irritation. People become so much used to of your exciteded charged behaviour, with smile on your face and glitter in eyes that when any of these is missing, every next person points out and asks whats wrong, typically ”Kya hua deep, kuch hua hai kya?” Absurd it is, don’t I have right to behave in normal sense. Am I always supposed to be happy? If a person isn’t happy does it means he is sad. Isn’t there a midway between the two.
Ohhh… I was taking about something else. Bayesian class. It was interesting as it is always. Sir made a mention about Jeffreys-Lindleys Paradox, which was logical but had a catch in it. Although it has been already been discussed by TVR, but then it did not sounded like something to be paid attention on.

In between the lecture, due to uneasiness, my visual organs kept on regularly visiting the window side. Lecture being at the 2nd floor, the only thing visible outside is branches of a tree, which comes in between the setting sun and window. It was around 4:30. There was a different sort of stillness outside. Generally at this hour of day, wind is such that it causes leaves to murmur, whispering as if to gain our attention. Today movement seemed to be unusually soft, as if trying not to distract me.But I was already.
Those soft moves might have gone completely unnoticed if I would not have looked at the first empty desk.
Even just before going sun seemed to be reasonably charged, strong and full of energy, as if teasing me. It was helping the leaves to make different continuous moving structures on the front desk. I was imagining many things out of it. For a moment or so those figures looked as if some large atoms are making a random movement or equivalently in two-dimensional Brownian motion. Very next moment they seemed to be fishes of shadows floating on the suns rays. And then deformed fairies, which are dancing all around.

Are you surprised on whether I was paying attention to hypothesis testing with so much of weird imaginations going on? Even I am.

Abstraction

Since the day I have created this place for myself to write, I have kept on mentioning about some or the other situation which is not known to most of the people who read this, leading to posts which seem discrete and in fact they are. Until now it has happened that things are known to one or two persons, which makes me feel that I am not abstract, but today I have something in my heart and mind which I won’t able to share with anyone. At least not right now, not even with the concerned person.
Two days back, I came to know something about a friend, through some source which actually I should not have used, as I believe it to be unjust, but did that yesterday again. There should not have been any problem with this, but act has developed a sort of repulsion for ... , and something in my heart doesn’t want me to do so, making me agitated.
Doing such things might be common and not at all wrong. But this person has been deceptive enough. I never expected it from ... . So there’s a sense of guilty for getting mistaken in judging a person; and a feel that I am not yet mature enough.
I have been consistently thinking of mentioning it to ... in some way, but then I am at no place to do; as it is just a matter of interest. And off course ... principles and ideals are different from mine.
I am not able to resist myself from not thinking on this since I don’t want to stay off, but already feeling driven away; totally clueless on my reaction on the situation.

P.S.:I would apologize from all those reading this for:
0. Even after reading this n number of times you won’t be able to guess it, even the concerned person cannot ..:(
1. On making you read a senseless post once again.
2. In case you are curious to know about person/source/interest.

Pastimes

Among all the 21 courses (including optional as well as compulsory) I did as a part of M.Sc., I liked almost all of them, and there has never been any kind of dislike except for 3 of them. Every beautiful thing has a spot in it, if moon can’t escape then how could this curriculum do. And the spots are so unbearable, at least for me that it becomes necessary to find some pastime.


2nd semester had some non-single-valued kind subject. I always managed to get a seat in last row, and did all sorts of things which kept me occupied and did not let me pay attention. It could be novels, mobile games, sudoku, kakuro, loop the loop, playing bollywood with the fellow on right or left, etc.


In the 3rd semester it was designer subject. I could not succeed in doing something very interesting in his classes except for listening radio(using headsets) and music on MP3. But he was attentive enough to notice, who is doing what. I will be always thankful to him for giving me E and saving from F.


This semester, it has just started but flying away, with the 3rd one in this sample. It’s the most intolerable thing I have attended. Lectures are full of confusions, with all the mess at board and its hard to find what being going on. I should stop criticizing her anymore. I have got no rights to do so, as she tries gives her best, but there’s some gap that we are unable to catch her.

So, being helpless, I again got resort to some pastime. This time it was something different from previous ones. I started sketching the cartoons. As I am bad at giving a form to imagination, so they are off course not original ones. But now making them it has become quite a strong desire. I always wait for the sampling lectures. Let me share a few.

STRAY

The day next is scheduled for test of Inference in Stochastic Processes. And MBR’s paper is never an idle tale. And putting efforts in studying and racking brains during solving paper generally go in vain; but it takes nerve for not studying at all.
So I consciously decided(which I thought would be wiser) to not to go for listening to Nobel laureate. And then I ended up in utilizing this time in real noble activities. Let me see what they were and how they were not at all useless.
Slept for three hours at a stretch. Not being able to do that last night, it was quite important for me. But then got up with mind full of thoughts which were inexhaustible. At a glance which seemed to be a sort of introspection; about how I have been behaving differently, always trying to go off the track, become a unbending on issues, and all that dull blah. Which brought the self grading down.
And the next thing I am doing is this. Although writing the 2nd one for the hour, my mind is still completely occupied with all sorts of thoughts, which are jumbled up. But I did not repent spending my time like that. Do we always have to do things which make sense to others, and seem logically correct? Can’t we behave randomly sometimes.

Out Look

A week back, when 1st internal assessment started for the last semester, each of us was subconsciously happy. We will be no more taught anything now onwards. End of everything, from lectures to bunks, exams to results, playing bollywood to making cartoons. It seems to be the beginning of the end.
What about the other side.
Stepping into a new world, which seems to be appealing. Will it be so? Well let it remained unanswered for a while.
I have already tried planning out things which I need to do in order to fulfill my dream. In fact everyone has done so. We have not only thought about the new beginning but taken a step ahead with it as well. So that’s the end of new beginning.

Random Walk: A perfect model

Have you ever experienced that when you are trying to run away from something,with all your heart and soul; then all of a sudden over all your efforts you are being puhed towards it with a greater force. Theres nothing new about this.

Last night(it was already dawn infact), I was thinking about a similar situation which has stuck me. I was trying to visualize it, in order to have a solution. Getting just over from the project work, which involved all sorts of probabilities, I ended up giving it a form of random walk. It appeared to me as if I trying to get out of it, and my success in it carries certain probability. But the force which pushes me back has twice the probability of getting succeeded. That means I have landed in asymmetric Random Walk; and it precisely means in the long run I will strike the terrifying situation. Right now this long doesn't seems correct, it seems I will be there shortly. According to a friend my escape velocity is nearly zero.
Although I modelled it successfully but I could not come up with a solution

Note:
0. This post may seem a bit weird, but I am not responsible for it.
1. If any of you can find some more interesting model for a situation, please do tell me; may be its helpful.
2. If theres some error with the formulation, kindly inform me.

Just a dream or more than that?

I have cleared the CSIR exam...and that too got the JRF. Isn't that amazing? My whole family is so happy; my pleasure is inexpressible.

All of a sudden I realize that its just a dream.. and actually results are not yet out. But after a while results really appear. I have cleared the exam, but not good enough to get fellowship; I am not happy now. My graduation teacher(Piyush Sir) approaches me and explains, how and where I lack in writing answers.

Suddenly I hear my room-mates voice whos chatting with someone on phone. To my surprise all this was a dream. And now I am truely awake. It was 7:27 am. For few seconds I was unable to visualize what is happening. What all was part of dream; and what all really happened. As soon as I came back to my senses, I was perplexed. To share the reality I already know that neither of the two things, that is, what I dreamt nor what I dreamt whithin it, is gonna happen. And I am quite sure about myself reappearing the exam. Then what made me so upset, so panicked I was.

It has really stirred me up.What I am upto, with my such seriousness, wasting almost all time in rubbish stuff. May be this was to really wake me up.

Matter of Right and Wrong

Being right or wrong in a situation is just a matter of perception. Should the way we react to something at different situations be always the same...or shall they change from time to time?. Its quite weird to act sometimes aggressively to situations as I do generally. The moment always convinces me i am right, but later as a matter of fact, I don't find myself good to have reacted in that way. It may be the consequences which change my opinion on that matter or my previous perception only could be wrong.
Its always the same with me, but a few days back a friend of mine along with me reacted to a situation and we took some decision on the instant.Two days later we had no option other than getting irritated on our decision..There isn't anything bad in doing so, but problem is we lose our nerve for judging what is benefecial for the future. We lose the capability to sense the coming events.
Although I always think of reacting wisely the next time, but I land up in the same way.

A beginning

It has been quite long since i have created this blog, but something always kept from posting. I think its two years from now when I first got to know "What a blog is?"..it was so irresistible that in a single night I went through all the posts of that blog(I guess which were something around 50) . Another friend who is good at words got inspired...even saying jealous could not be wrong... to write one of her. Since then I have gone through few other blogs which I really like and appreciate. One of them is my brother's where again I was the one who encouraged him to do so. I have always longed to own one for the mighty self but never knew why I could not.

Today my wish comes true. I don't know what is so special about this hour that even though I have a pile of assignments, I am actually writing something. It’s a final attempt of putting soul in words, after a few futile ones. For the first time there is sense of freedom. I think this is a very convenient way to feel light when you want to exclaim everything. As being a social creature it isn’t very much civilized behavior to yell out things, whether being sad or happy. All the best to me..;).