another day

Some days are crooked all over;

They love to start with moisture.

When you wait for it to end,

They end with a downpour.

Even though misty and damp within,

It is windy and dry outside.

Crumbled leaves spread all around,

Still you got to be calm and quite.

You try to hide from some, you can’t,

They just peep in and hear.

You try to share with some, you can’t,

They just close their ear.

winter

After the long and irritating spells of rain, finally the winter is there knocking on the door. Last 2 months were little irritating, because although the monsoon was over long back, still the clouds were not ready to go away. 

But now finally the dry winter is there. It looks more special this time; because at least for now, it is giving me a feel we used to get back home at Kanpur. Its so much fun.. getting cozy in blankets, dry leaves all around, feeling warm in woolens, the chill you feel while riding 2-wheeler, wish to eat something garma-garam like omelette made in butter :P

I guess this is my 4th winter in Pune. Last night was little chilly and I have never experienced such in Pune. Wished to dress like sarabjeet did in this part of our childhood memories.

in papa's jacket :-)

I hope this winter lasts little longer than the usual highly variable and inconsistent weather of Pune :-/ so that I get to use my woolens :P

PS: Morning was bright and beautiful, but something disappointed me later. Everything cannot be the way I want it to be. Some how life doesn't let me forget, what I don't have still and something which I could never. I have realised that shadow is gonna accompany me longer than I thought it to be. May be just to make me feel and understand, I am not sincere enough, as others are.. for which I have to pay..or may be get less.

Anyways thats how life is.. no time to stand and mourn over this.

wedding bells

Note: If you are reading this with hopes to hear news about me, then stopping now would be a right decision. I cannot precisely say what it is all about (you got to read it for that), but I can say what it is not about :D

So these wedding bells.. I can hear them all around since 2-3 months. Every other week there is a news related to new world. Some are entering, some are planning to enter and some have already stepped in. 

There is a fear.. and excitement at the same time. Long tense spans of convincing the elders.. Nervousness of adjustment with in-laws.. and then finally that smile one gets on the face, when you are there, for the most awaited moment.. which you always wished for, and you made it happen. I experienced all this on Gaurav-Manda wedding last night. And believe me it was a beautiful experience, to see someone making through all those tough routes. After all at the end, what you get is worth every struggle.

Numerous feelings passed through my heart and mind, while attending the function. I wish, despite of the things tightening at work, I can escape to hear some more bells. Anyways the special ones are still far away.. so not to worry. But there are few, which I can not afford to miss!!

So I was talking about weddings..I am hearing news about so many friends nowadays. There is so much of excitement in seeing all those friends, we have spent significant part of our life, entering into new world.. and at the same time fear and speculations, wondering about whats gonna be there in stores for own self.

Howsoever it is, I am sure God is gonna take care about how the moment turns out to be special in its own way.. after all every one has got his/her own definition of special.

Indian weddings add to the fun and beauty of the moment, attributed by the small-cute customs. In this diverse part of the world, every culture has got a different style of tying the knots. Here is a beautiful video among one of those.. which reflected how customes could be so eternally romantic :P Got to see it as a result of surfing too much over blogs. Sometimes I am glad that I do it :-)

Wishes and blessings all around...
Hoping everyone in neighborhood gets what they wished for :-) ;-)


PS: I am totally sickened by the speed which time is flying. It is looking too fast at this moment.. and i am not able to cope up :-(

N is closed in R

Note-1: Post is not about Metric Space discussions, but about my experience with the 10XX batch as a tutor  for ST-1 (Mathematical Analysis).

Note-2: Reason for the title, is around the end of post. you may directly skip to that part.

Note-3: This post is going to be pretty long and boring, so can be skipped.

I was assigned the Tutorials for this course in July. I was informed that Dr. A. D. Joshi (retd. Prof. from Dept of Mathematics) is taking the course. I was little unsure, as in how will it be to assist a total stranger, who doesn't actually belongs to our department. But first hand interaction went quite well. I heard him discussing countable sets with the students.That very moment I liked his way of looking at analysis, which was not completely theoretical.

Tutorials started. Though I had an "O" in ST-1, to be frank I am not very good in it. But with the help of Akanksha and few books and some hard work, I got  confidence. At the end of semester I feel I have improved a lot in the subject.

In first lecture itself I announced that its not at all compulsory to attend the sessions(scheduled once a week). Initially attendance was not good, not bad kind. That encouraged me. But slowly it decayed like anything. You can imagine the pattern.. 48, 14, 27, 43, 16, 20, 25, 21, 20, 4, 7, 6, 10 ... thats how it was. Coming down to 4 in class of 50 was a real shock to me. I kept on wondering whats wrong with me. I discussed the issue with people who are experienced in the field. But somehow, there was no point in changing the strategy. I went on with it. I tried asking those 4 who were almost regular, that they can tell me the actual problem, I won't mind. But there reaction was, they like mine better than the tutorials for other 2 subjects. So, I left it to time. But I was disheartened. My love and zeal for teaching these topics, was suppressed by their non-response. I no more felt like taking efforts.

Just a week before 2nd internals, few of them got really scared, after looking at their 1st internal scores. They requested for extra sessions. That week I worked some 4 hours with them. And after looking at 2nd internal scores, I smiled, because it was worth those 2-3 extra sessions. And I got some of my lost enthusiasm back.

Why I am writing this today?  Today was the end-term exam. First person I saw was a girl, who was upset on how difficult the question paper was. How could Sir do this with them, with such a difficult paper. I found it okay kind. Though it was not easy, there was nothing impossible there. Then came another, who was again upset. This girl was regular after 2nd internals, unlike the first one. Her reaction was "Why didn't you took the complete course. If you would have been there, it  must have been lot better. Tutorial helped me a lot to help the concepts, but the lectures were helpless".

My point, which I could not actually tell them was... Why don't you understand, the course has to be blend of the two. And by what I know and felt about ADJ, he is amazing. Its just that his way is little different and diagrammatic. But he cannot be blamed for your poor performance. It is you who are responsible for that.

Then comes the reason for the statement in tutorial which is revolving in mind. Both the girls proved it in the paper(as they told me). No wonder. But how they did was wonderful. They were somehow able to show, that all the limit points of set of  Natural nos. lie in R. But I was not able to understand how come they don't realize that Naturals don't have limit points.

Anyways, to my relief, after few mins two guys came who have proved it in the right manner (i.e. since N doesn't have limit point it has to be closed), and they were quite confident and relaxed about it, which made me feel better.

I don't have any regrets. Because it helped me to learn and evolve in the subject over the time. It might have been a better experience with the participation. But that taught me many new aspects of teaching.

PS: So many times during these 4 months I felt an urge to lighten myself with the burden of feelings I had about the experience. But I never could. May be because that was not the right time. And it is now, because the experience is complete now.

Post PS: Check out this tone-matrix. Just put your speakers on, and start clicking. I am sure you will enjoy.

latest instance of RAM

Yeah.. here I am, giving latest and bit simpler instance of my RAM.

PS: It is advisable to at least get my interpretation of  RAM from linked post. At the same time it is not advisable  to read it complete, if you want to remain in state to read this one complete :D


So here it goes..

Well, Some months back, may be around 6... I don't remember exactly. We ended on some calculations, in particular covariances, some big matrix kind stuff. I invested a week or so in it. And it was not only in hand-written notes, but I also made the complete Latex document. And that document even went through some 2-3 revisions by MBR. But somehow, we had to drop that strategy at that moment and moved to some new line of action.

Now when 3 days back, we again decided to move to previous strategy. That meant we need those calculations. And in obvious manner he remarked, "We already have them". And this silly-idiot-stupid-me VERY confidently kept on pleading that "No, it hasn't been done yet", or "I don't remeber doing any such thing"... and what not. And today morning when I started re-doing the stuff, I realised... Ohhh!! looks like has been done some time. Is it Deja vu? 

Not delaying further, I accepted my RAM, retrieved the PDF file, and started working ahead :-/

reasonable reasons

Sometimes reasons which others give us are not unreasonable; but somehow we are not able to link our logic to those reasons. And only resort to the situation is to stay happy and content with this reason at the back of mind that at least they are not being unreasonable.

Every product and package in the market comes with its own Terms and Conditions (remember seeing that T & C in smaller font, somewhere down, with that " * " ). So why not life as a package put T&C on its every product. So does every relation. After all they give us so much, then why can't they put some ifs and buts. They ought to; we owe that much.

But sometimes life, and in turn relations are so nice to us that we forget how it is actually working under some conditions. It just takes some time to accept the facts.

After that, LIFE is as smooth and beautiful as ever** and we again start loving it.


PS: These are my experiences and inferences; I would love to hear, if anyone reading these, feels like sharing  some diversions from my theory.



**T & C apply.  :D

blank

sometimes why it is so messed up .. i mean everything around. Haven't been able to work even a pinch over my research problem, in this week. Sometimes its any other stupid discussion, at others it is something insightful on uniform convergence, or could be a seminar, tutorial, invigilation, sometimes irresistible internet re-search.. and what not. You name it and you will find it going on in our room (mine and AK's) at some or the other time point. I don't mean i am regretting any of these. But I am just wondering that where does the time flies.

Anyways, other than this, nothing much to update now. Felt little better after reading sometimes. Thanks bhai, for the perfect timing of your post.

PS: There is this another touching article, written to reflect the spirit of never let go your hopes (as I saw it). Do read, if you have few spare moments.

theta & Hss

Warning:
1) There is no typo in the title. Post is no way related to any snake or any snaky-Mallika.
2) Post is too clumsy; you shouldn't enter, if you don't want to get lost in notations. One reason I am writing this is just to note down my repeated absent-mindedness (RAM), and make a record of it.


All it is related to is, estimation of parameter in a process driven by fBM, which is certain kind of H-ss process... and then my stupidness.. which lead to mere waste of more than 15 days of CPU time.


So here goes a detailed account :
We are working on,  to be very precise, on estimation of two parameters of a process driven by Hss (H-self similar) process. So the two parameters we were interested in were theta and the Hurst parameter, H. We were studying two different procedure simultaneously; and at this stage a simulation study is being carried out for both of them.

Some 20 odd days back, we were almost through the procedure for estimation of theta. It involved the calculation of a function in some grid for theta. Since I simulated the process from a known theta, at the first place, so I choose the closer grid. I thought, if original theta is 7 why not take grid of values in  [6, 8]. So I made the R program on the run, keeping the other parameter, H, constant.

In the meanwhile we got almost certain with the steps for estimation of H. Now for this parameter the range is (0,1). I was checking things out, sometimes for 0.6 sometimes 0.7. So far so good.

So when the program for theta turned up, it gave the estimate as 6.47. All of a sudden I felt like slapping myself. I thought the original theta is 0.6. What a fool I am to estimate in range [6, 8]; should have been [0.6, 0.8]. (Note: I hope by now reader must have already noted first instance of my RAM.)  So, now the only thing that could be done was to ask the R to redo it. As an obedient assistant, it started the work.

Now today morning, when I came to the department, I saw R smiling at me with the result. This time it was something 0.637. Well, it took 2 mins for me to realize that the original theta is 7. So the program which I did on first place was correct; and it was the parallel estimation of H (running in my mind) that confused me. to select the wrong grid later. OK, so up till now it looks like I was not at much of a loss, since I still had the previous simulation's result; which was supposedly correct. Now the big surprise is yet to come, which will be the 2nd and final instance of my RAM.

It took me some 10 minutes to realize that the original theta which I was using in simulation was 5 which could neither be in [6, 8] nor in [0.6, 0.8]. At least as far as we go by the norms of Real Analysis.



PS: Well, in case, despite of the warning, someone still dared to enter the irritating territory of this post, I am no way responsible for any kind of mental damage you suffered. Still, on humanitarian grounds, I express my deep sympathy for you.

life

..sometimes fits perfectly into a parametric model,
at others appears a random error.

..sometimes looks like an irreducible Markov Chain,
at others becomes iid sequence.

..sometimes looks a part of His randomized designs,
at others appears as if no one is in the sky.

..sometimes characters appear as sample from same population,
at others each seems to constitute a different populations.

Lot many pairs of null vs alternates we have,
but is there any to take care of the ones above?

Though it gets white and noisy at times and there are many confusions,
but in the end it always follows normal, despite of other fancy distributions.



PS: Dedicated to the day of statisticians.

wobbling words

Its time for lunch, but I am little drowsy,

effect of idleness, or may be pattice

Just felt a sudden urge to write something,
but blogger at the moment didn't look working.

Leaped to my desk, thoughts need itinerary,
because this state of mind may not be stationary.

With new turns, life has got a beautiful tinge,
still need to take care of the delicate fringe.

As they say, every new step gives some responsibility,
to make us realize our own capability.

Still far away from accomplishment,
but now I know the requirements.

As I am in habit of getting screwed, at times I still get sad,
but now I lift up soon, so it never turns so bad.

Need to transform my lethargy and glee,
and everything else I hate about me.

Feel thankful, for so many goodies around,
who helped me search the meaning I found.

This is one of any of other weird times,
when i feel like scribbling these lines.

Though I mourn, still am going lame,
better to stop before I start the same :P

honoring the clan of uncertainty

Today, 20 October 2010, World is celebrating the first World Statistics Day.
.. an attempt to acknowledge services we get through Statistics which are innumerable and pay a tribute to Statisticians all over the world.

PS: I didn't write this as a statistician, but as a common man who accepts how the world is continuously benefited by this science; and how the functioning of everything, which means theres nothing that would be in the complement,  around will paralyze if even for a moment we lack its support.


I heard of this 3 days back, when a friend emailed me the information about a quiz and tech-talk scheduled for the day to celebrate the occasion. After subsequent search on internet we got to know more about it. United Nations has decided to celebrate this day as the World Statistics Day, starting from 2010. So today is the first of its kind.

To be very frank I am still not very sure why they chose this day. But it looks like whole world has accepted it, and celebrating it in their own ways. Here are some ideas to do that. SAS Research and Development has organized a tech-chat and a quiz on the occasion. Alas.. in the Worlwide Celebration Activities, for India, details are yet to be announced.

Last night one of the alumnus suggested to have a celebration in our department too, to mark this day. But it doesn't seem very much possible, with such a short notice. Still I hope, being an advanced entity in Statistics, from next year onwards we will have something to contribute to the celebrations of the day.


..and now in words of a non-statistician Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, who is immortalized because of his brain-child Sherlock Holmes,

While the individual man is an insoluble puzzle, in the aggregate he becomes a mathematical certainty. You can, for example, never foretell what any one man will be up to, but you can say with precision what an average number will be up to. Individuals vary, but percentages remain constant. So says the statistician. 
                               

PS:  Sincere thanks to Akanksha and Saurabh, for the reasons they know.

another random update

..i guess lots of reading is blocking my head.. as usual not just statistical, in fact thats the least i do :(
in almost 35 days i have finished reading 5 novels..Chetan Bhagat's 2 and 3 from Nicholas Spark. No doubt, i enjoyed reading each of them. But thats too much with the kind of work i m expected to do. But life looks kind of kind on me now.. back on track.. lil regular. I don't know how long it will be so. I am happy for the moment atleast.

In the meanwhile came across lots of interesting stuff on internet..
>>  some statistics related blogs..it was a pleasant surprise to see so many statistician doing blogging.. but as i mentioned they are statistical (that is something not very encouraging for my blog).
Anyways, here I list a few..
- Andrew Gelman's Statistical Modeling, Causal Inference and Social Science 
- Nathan Yau's Flowing Data
- Insight Central
- Numbers Rule Your World
- Politically Incorrect Statistics
and many more (i know some of my friends are interested in these).. with this, the list of sites i m following has already crossed 90.

>>  how THE has actually used statistics in the methodology for world university ranking.

>>  and the most interesting of them right now is the truth in PhD :P



PS: I know with each day passing, my blog is becoming a big BORE.. but that doesn't  mean life is so. It's different and more cheerful, in the world outside this blog. Its just that I am not getting the right stuff to write about.

kickstart

> got up at 6 am, that too without an alarm

> got to hear some one

> sehaj path

> favorite kirtan track on playlist

> having a look at most beautiful (for me) snapshots.

> aggregate data

> puran polis

> chat with mom-dad.

PS: here i am.. with my spirits little better than the last 5-6 days

failed or lost

In work and fun, and in thoughts and pun

lost all the direction to run.

That little bird who has her wings,

but she is moving in rings.

Lost the strength to defend her moves,

it never happened back in the groove.

Strength to smile and skill to coordinate,

its all missing, the vigour looks lost.

There were no regrets before,

but why is she skeptic now.

Wondering whether she was right,

when she took her flight.

Paper and mind,

its working no where fine.

Even near the heart,

she cannot see a smile.

Has she already lost the battle,

or is it just a phase.

Looking for a candle to light the path,

a path, thats no more wrong.

A ray of hope

thats no more false.

mere words

words clattered here and there,

some covered and others bare.

scared yet confused,

of disgust and anger.

lost and drenched,

in love and care.

of indolence on ambition,

hopes high in fervour.

although innocent,

incoherent they appear.

can see those fragments,

still waiting for some more.

nothing better

... happenings around, in chronological order >>>


> fear of surprise getting ruined by someone opening to mom-dad.

> indigestable shock of Rahul's death.

> successful celebration, for what we were waiting since long, ended in shortest ever visit at home (32 hours).

> came back with little bits of confusions, but soon understood that its real world, and we need to be strategic.

> read Chetan Bhagat's '2 States: The Story of My Marriage'.. before that i actually never liked so much his other 2 books; well... they were OK for me. But really liked this one.

> now i am upto '3 Mistakes of my life'; half done.

> disappointed. Plan for the evening was let down; its almost useless attaching hopes with anyone.

> to hell with everyone. I will try to enjoy on my own.

> not much happening at work. I am being too lethargic


<<< nothing better than this to write about...



PS: please don't make any sympathizing comments.

lines

Sometimes you don’t know you have crossed a line, until you are already on the other side. Off course by the end, it is too late.

-Feast of Love.

Let me share with you why I am reminded of these lines at this moment.

It often happens that a dear friend is upset and angry on some personal issues; and to feel little light and better they need a patient person to listen to them. Because they trust you, so they might share the whole story with you. But sometimes people like me, make the situation little worse for themselves as well as the friend who is concerned. Listening to their problems, we become so involved, that out of concern and care, start suggesting the solutions to the problems, so that the situation of dear friend is not so bad next time, and he/she is smiling henceforth.

But what we forget is, they just needed someone to listen and what they don't need is our suggestions. As for I can recall, I have done this more than once. Last time when it happened I myself realized and apologized to the person concerned and even she was so close to me that she never felt that I am overdoing with my suggestions. But last night it was far worse, when the person concerned has to stop me. It was actually too stupid on my part; forgetting my lines.

Each moment of our lives is a learning experience. It is on us how much we take from these moments. I think I have learned something for future, and hope to practice it too.

forms of Nostalgia

..few days back I received a sms,
Always being nostalgic robs you of the moments, of which you can be nostalgic about in future..

Somehow I liked it .. and accepted it as a not-so-bad strategy of living. But we all know life doesn't go by strategies. Often we are stuck in at few places and not ready to move ahead or accept the change. I don't know whether this is making sense, but today I felt this for something where someone could never imagine of attaching this concept..

For last few months I have been observing many (blogger) friends switching to very attractive templates. Many times I felt tempted to do the same. Finally an hour back I started browsing some of them with an intention to have a change. After going through some 50 of them i actually liked only 4 or 5. And when I started applying them, to have an idea how my blog will look like, it was worse. I liked none of them. I had problem with each one of them. Either the headline wasn't clearly visible or the text or font... whatever!!!

Finally I switched to my original template, and you know what I felt like, as if I have come back home, after a very long and tiring journey. It was so relaxing and soothing, that I never imagined.
I think there is nothing special about it.. except for nostalgia.

In words of Ruskin Bond
'Nostalgia: A simple attempt to try and preserve that which was good in the past. The past has served us, why not serve the past in this way.'

another piece of crap

Do you think that each one of us has the right to get upset or angry on something?
If your answer is Yes, then you are wrong; because some people are not lucky enough to have freedom of expressing their negative feelings. Actually speaking, if you are among those then you might consider yourself lucky in some sense, because you have people around you who are concerned for you, in their own different ways.

There would be some who might be worried for your future; who might be worried with so much of mood swings how are you going to tackle the world in front of you; these are the people who want your image to be better in society than what it is now; they want people to see only smile on your face and not the frowns. They want you to be known as well-natured and decent human being. So off course such people are concerned for you, because they don’t want to see you in trouble. And one should be grateful to them.

There could be another kind of people in your life; who love you so much that they get upset as soon as you get upset. They always want you to be with a smile. They always like it when your eyes are with glitter and spark; when your voice has excitement; when you are normal; when you are talking nice things and making some sense. This kind would not throw you away if you behave contrary to above mentioned behavior; but they would always want you to be happy. Off course, then you are among the lucky people.

But, is it possible that you will be always happy? Since you are not in heaven; there would be things around you making you unhappy, upset and angry. You might feel like yelling or crying; you might sound little low at times. There is nothing wrong about it. Every other person on earth feels so. That is how life is balanced between good and bad, happiness and sadness, smiles and frowns and what not. But when it comes to expression, these two kinds of people around make me feel that we lose the balance. They want only positive ones to be expressed. If at all negative ones are there, they should be expressed to yourself; not in front of family; not when you are with work place; not to someone in person. But what if you feel like having a talk with someone just to pour down all the heaviness in heart; what if you want a shoulder to cry for. No, you should not; because the first category doesn’t want you to fall into the category of cranky people while the second category would be more upset than you were.

So sometimes we need to smile and be happy not for ourselves, but for others; others who are around us; who mean a lot to us; sometimes more than our own selves. But if they mean so much to us can’t they just be with us in some negative moments, just bear with the roughness of few moments, accept us as we are, be with us and hold us when we are weak.

So the actual point I want to make is that, everyONE should keep all the negative feelings their lone self. That’s how I remember someone saying, One is certainly the loneliest number.
At moments I feel as if people are strongly tangled to each other; at others it feels as if everyone holds as a single separate identity and should live without getting twined with any other identity.


PS: I think some of the statements I made were absurd, though I don’t deny the possibility of whole post falling into this category. That’s no issue with me, how can someone always talk sensible stuff. Just like life, blog also has its own kind of balance.

..if you have problems, finishing things in time, and if you are in academics.

..here is something for you, to get encouragement ;)
cheer up!!!

sparrows in the balcony

..thoughts coming to mind, but flying away swiftly,
swift they are, as those sparrows in the balcony.

when i try to get closer to them, wishing to look into their eyes,
they are no more around..
making the balcony empty and isolated!!

words come knocking around my mind,

when i try to listen, wishing to hear their whisper,
they are no more around..
making me blank and quiet!!

in NY too..

Bed bugs aka Khatmal aka Dhekun or whatever sweet name u wanna call them with.. but the news is, they are not only bothering UniPune hostels.. but NY too!!

..have a look at this.
nice to see na, that even a developed country like US is struggling..

You might think what a big deal.. but ask me.. they are actually a big deal, when they are spending nights with you.
I can never forget 3rd semester, when they actually attacked our room. We always used to keep lights on, so that once anyone gets a bite, that particular piece of devil can be captured, and thrown into mug of water (FYI that is the best way to kill them). Sometimes when light was off, i actually remember one of my roommates. All of a sudden she used to get up from her sound sleep, scratching somewhere, and bravo!! that she used to find the culprit with the help torch in her mobile.

It was only at the end of semester when I was fed up of the mess, that i started a massive program to get my room cleaned. And unlike batch mates, i succeeded in the mission (up to some extent) .

Now also once in a while they visit me. But by God's grace, i have become quite a expert in handling them, so that their visits are never long and unbearable.

PS: Ever you need any tips about these creatures , you may contact me. My dissertation on them is almost half done :P ;)

PS to PS: what a nasty post na :D

i hope..

.. yes, its just a hope.. that i have come back to blog, and i'll stay more regular.
How many days it has been since i wrote ANYTHING.. lemme check... 44 days (longest break i ever took).

Yesterday for the first time in these 44 days I actually felt the need and urge to write. May be because it was the first time in this break I was actually studying for research. Now don't take it as if I was actually on a break.. Hibernation started when GBM occupied all of me for workshop preparations.. and then 1st June to 25th June was AIS where I was a tutor; in between many events suffered due to this. There was an exam (which I should have better taken more seriously); very close friend's visit (whom I should have given more time).

..and then, it was some home time, after 6 months, with family and cousins.. all sorts of full-to masti, which most of the time did not made sense to people around.

..now when I am back to Pune, its lil hard, getting back to normal life. Not that, i don't want to, but the issue is the long wide lag I have been in. I have lost all the touch with where and what I was doing.. even notations look strange now (even those which we defined), and then simulation part (not sure where I ended and what is to be done)..

..in between i ignored many blogs, i actually wanted to comment on many of the posts i read here and there on different blogs i follow, but i couldn't.. reason used to non-availability... sometimes of time and sometimes words.. but i always tried to read. Few people cared enough to poke about the dullness of blog.. thank u :-)

I think i should end this post here, with a hope to be more regular.. here as well as on work.. bcz i could see some deadlines not short term, but long ones.. happy about them ;)

Won't let this go unmentioned.. something i saw happening, had a hard time understanding and then having the beautiful experience, made me believe..

By the way came across these beautiful lines of a song (from A Walk to Remember)..
If you believe that dreams come true.. there's one that's waiting there for you, bcz I believed when I saw you, that when you want someone enough.. then they can't escape your love.
There is nothing in the world that cannot be..
IF YOU BELIEVE.

winter

looks like this time is winter for my space. last year at same time, it went for hibernation, and took months to recover. past again looks like repeating.

it isn't that things aren't happening. a lot of new buds i m feeling around. things rushing at professional front. i don't know whether this is mental block or just a bit busier schedule or attempt to cope up with changes.

whatever it is, i am happy..

Beautiful life is just an imagination…but life is more beautiful than our imagination. - Anonymous

words don't say it

confused, happy, perplexed, sad, distracted, worried, sure, unsure, life, future, destiny, we, amazed, dreaming, lost..

PS: Yes I am lost.

its not fun

to see a dream, where you have to give up your aim,
to actually understand what getting frightened means,
to feel the fear of being estranged by people who assured,
to handle the dejected heart that isn't ready to face the world..



PS: That is not the end to it, I am feeling much more, but don't have words.

what..??

Sometimes, despite of the fact that the problem is simply technical, we cannot go and explain it to anyone..( that actually means "anyone"; PLEASE don't come and ask me). None can get what is happening, the reasons, the issues, the implications (neither family nor friends and off course not acquaintance).. and over all this, sometimes we don't have a heart to explain..

When for months you have felt things are going fine with you, looked on track.. despite of the problems you had strong assurances that these problems are not going to be a problem with this kid. But all of a sudden in a matter of a moment you come to know that assurance was in vain, you were thrown away months back itself.. People suggest you to give a new start.

How could they even imagine that, expecting that from me. It could be a sentence for them but to me it looked a disaster..

fair Thee

every creature has its own distinct statement of comfort and ease,
but for a moment they reduce to same level, being the creation of fair Thee...

PS: click on the image for clear view.

rains

yes.. i think they will remain the loveliest forever (to me). At the rough and hard moments, when human as well as the nature looks dull, tired by the work pressure, it cheers up everyone(/thing) around. Whether its that first small drop at the arrival of monsoon or the sudden drizzling, it always knows how to bring smile and satisfaction to creatures on earth.

Yesterday evening we had the later of two. But it was perfect. Actually it knows how to be perfect in the world of imperfects (..i know it is sounding so illogical, anyways..). There were some winds which uprooted a couple of trees, but despite of everything, evening couldn't have been better than the one I had yesterday. I was all by myself, just looking at the greener shade of trees (they seemed to be blushing). The noisy-mind that was totally clattered, settles down, and is at peace with such a sight. And then what added to such a moment is a slow walk around the campus.. with drops still around it made me look funny, to people rushing to their destinations, but only I knew the pleasure I felt..

I faced the sky, and drops washed away the worries from my eyes..

she

A silent wish, her heart has always nurtured,
No one ever imagined how much it procured,

All of a sudden she could see it happening,
I am not sure whether that is true or she is dreaming,

She could sense it, you are moving towards her,
You might stay to hold the hand or as any other stranger cross by her.

Who knows what divinity has kept in her store,
Whatsoever way it turns out, she will lore.

Only she could do is sit by the shore and wait,
Wait for the waves to touch her and prate.

But this wait, she asks me, is it going to be easy,
Talks between waves and wind are making her crazy.

If she is dreaming, end it before it turns into a nightmare,
Shake her and wake her up right here.

I could feel how scared she is,
But even I am helpless in this...




PS: 1) These thoughts, about her, have crippled my mind since a week or so. After 2 failed attempts of penning them down (one in UVN’s and the other in GBM’s) finally I managed to do it. Hope now I could concentrate on work; as for now, brain is no more in shackles.

PS: 2) I hope anyone who reads this doesn’t feels like kicking me for the silly frame it is in.

:-) sweetest young men

It wouldn’t have made much difference, if this was on picasa. But they turned out to be so cute that I couldn’t resist posting here. And I am almost sure (a.s.) in probability (under unknown prior theta) that among those who keep track of this memoir, it will be a very pleasant surprise for few (atleast 5) of them.

Dr. G. B. Marathe and Dr. Sudhakar Kunte,
in the University of Pune lawn

the youngest-at-heart duo

PS: 0.) These were clicked while waiting for students to appear for annual group photo-session (at Main Building).

PS: 1) I don’t need to introduce them if you are among those few; and if you belong to the larger complement set, then it is trivial for you.

PS: 2) Click on the photograph for enlarged view.

PS: 3) Please drop in comment if you are among those few, because I need to know who all are smiling at these clicks :P

shades in his palette

When its dawn He is bit miser, or may be lazy, on bringing out the brighter colors from His palette, on that black canvas of night. But once they are out He is rushing; if you have started looking at it once, you can't afford to miss a moment from the creation of that masterpiece. Every day it is different from the others. It is never exactly the same. Often my eyes have captured the beauty of those few moments.. but i lack words, that could speak about any of those images.

The other day, evening looked bore . So a friend and myself went out, and were strolling on that quiet road towards Khirkee. Every thing was as it has always been; trees that always had shade of green and yellow, flowers that always bloomed, leaves that always swung, sky quiet as always with sun and moon there on the same time, those small red and white balls staring at each other, they don't get to see each other much often ..

But that day I felt something special about all of them.. I don't know why I was amazed to look at each of them.. The way leaves danced softly, as if doing a ball dance with the wind on some divine rhythm.. Their color, so bright as if someone picked and colored them a moment before.. Flowers appeared to have so many colors at the same time.. I felt someone inside me praising the beauty of each of those small things, which generally go unnoticed.

I was fascinated by variety in his palette..

All of a sudden it made me utter "What an amazing sense of colors He has!!!"...as if, for a moment I forgot he is He.. not someone among us..

screwed Haiku

Why some mornings are irritated and low,
with absolutely no reasons though
for feeling so...



PS: I am screwed, was trying this Haiku 15 min before the Adv. Stoch. paper and then was blank for complete 2 hrs during the exam.

happy since lucky

It is unlike the times when I am sad/upset about something; and I want to dump my frustration on blog. Instead, right now I am really happy and contented about everything I have, every situations I am in. Its not that all of a sudden some positive incidents happened; but lately I have seen few friends around who are really suffering. You don't need jump to conclusions like I am happy on my friends problems. It is just that I am feeling lucky that situations have been so much favorable to me. I have always got people in my life who were kind to me; who made me grow up as a complete being. A family who is totally understanding, liberal and non-pushy, yet caring.. Friends who have always tried their best to understand this weirdo (some couldn't, but then it gave me insight when to expect and from whom) .. Teachers and guides who are caring enough (I am damn sure there are few people who are jealous of me for this fact) ..and I guess list is unending :-)

Though my giggly, naughty, kiddish, chattering and friendly attitude created problems for me; but then it is the one bit in my nature which brought smiles to people around me. It makes me really happy when I remember friends smiling over those Todas on desk or those cartoons in sampling notebook or when people laughed on the way I mimic teachers or speak Marathi in kachra ascent. Ability to spread smiles is also something everyone might not have. So another reason I am lucky.

I don't mean to boast things about me. Its just for a change at least we should be thankful and happy about all the goody stuff God has given us.



PS: Internal assessment for Finance is just 21 hours away, and unusually I am not at all tensed. Which is something I should be worried about, because people like me work only under pressure. I don't know what I am going to do ..I am not at all under pressure.. :O

बादल

वो जो फिरता अकेला है,
लगता सबको आवारा है।
पर हो जैसा भी,
है फलक की रौनक यही।

कभी सूरज कि किरणों में खिल उठता है चेहरा उसका,
फिर इठलाता रहता है यहाँ वहाँ।
कभी चांदनी में भी दिखता है गुमसुम सा,
रहगुज़र कि तलाश में करता है सफ़र तन्हा।

दूर देस से आई बदलियों कि टोली जब लगती है अपनी सी,
तो एक ही पल में घुल जाता है इनमें।
पर अगले ही पल होता है एहसास, कि ये तो नहीं है मंजिल उसकी,
वो बूंदों के कतरे नहीं हैं हमजाद उसके।

तलाश है उस ज़मीन के टुकड़े की,
जिसमे समाना है इक दिन उसको।
खुदा ने बनाया है वो ज़र्रा भी,
ये यकीन तो है उसको।

आयेगा वो पल, जब ख़त्म होंगे इंतज़ार के लम्हे भी,
बरसेंगी बूँदें, और मिट जायेगा वजूद उसका भी।


PS: Saw this small little cloud in the evening; it was shining bright with with setting sun's reflection. Then it went away somewhere; but it kept on strolling in my mind. I found myself so much like this cloud. May be there is no difference in life of objects there at sky(cloud) and those at earth(me).

कुछ बातें

कल रात, हम भी कुछ बातें कहना चाहते थे तुमसे,
वो बातें कुछ से कुछ ज्यादा हैं, इसका एहसास तब हुआ
जब एक ही पल में लफ़्ज़ों की ईमारत बन गयी मन में।

पर शायद वो कच्ची मिट्टी की बनी थी,
कुछ ख्यालों के तेज़ झोंके भी नहीं झेल पाई।

ढह गयी है वो ईमारत,
खो गए हैं वो लफ्ज़,
और उसके मलबे में कहीं दब गयी हैं वो बातें, अनकही सी...

lessons

Warning: Its typical deep crap, start reading at your own risk; don’t curse me later.

Too many lessons in too little period of time; and some conclusions about almost half of the human population (might not hold for everyone; since they are based on my personal experience).

Clock is about to tick 3, still I am sleepless; even watching 3 episodes of Prison break didn't help the thoughts crawling in my mind. Night is literally miserable, when I got another lesson about people from the neighboring planet. I agree that making mistakes is the best way to learn, but Lord I don’t want to have these lessons anymore. Its not that I have learnt everything I need to; it is just that I am afraid of the pain one has to suffer as a tuition fee to these lessons.

Well as usual I sound too abstract, but I am helpless. Having friends and then holding them aren’t easy, at least for me. May be it is me who is the originator of the mess every time, but I am sure I am innocent. I have always been fool to trust and believe people so soon. I don’t mean to say someone else is at fault, but me neither. And why do I have to suffer, when people at other end have no idea of how much humiliation one has to feel due to their immature or childlike behavior.

So the moral of the story: May be I just need to manipulate myself a little, the way I handle things, the way I behave with people. A little more disciplined, civilized behavior, with a tint of diplomacy and reserved attitude (something I actually hate) and pretension of being busy. Henceforth it will be difficult to be the usual friendly, chattering and giggling deep. As a desire to be more acceptable social person, it is better just being deep. May be it is not feasible to be our own selves, the original beings. When people around behaved like this I always wondered and questioned them, but now I understand, how this they were more appropriate.

Original is outdated, you see that.. :(

dil no more has to be a bachcha..just grow up..

PS: Now as you have come to the end, the only word left to say is I hated writing this here, as much as you hated reading; but somehow it was necessary.

..make me lazier

..you came along and changed everything.

you lift my feet to the ground,
you spin me around,
you make me crazier crazier...

you stuck my feet to the ground,
you make me unable to move,
you make me lazier lazier...

This is what goes in my minds when ever I listen to this beautiful song from Taylor Swift.

And as if laziness is directly proportional to weight, to complement this insanely edited song, what I dreamt today morning was even funnier. Can't recall the exact situation, but it was something like: I am checking my weight and to whichever weighing machine I am going I find the figure ranging in the interval ( 70,120), where the actual interval is (45,50). And the most amazing part is that every time I am checking I get to see a new quantity on the screen. Though looking at me one (even myself) couldn't actually find any difference. So the obvious reaction is something has happened to the working of all the machines. But when it worked normally for all other beings around, then I was forced to believe drastic and fluctuating increase in weight. Though I am curious about what actually happened next, but have no clues :O

Dreams apart, getting back to reality..

Yes lately I am feeling I have been getting lazier and lazier. Since this has been happening for few months and getting lazier looks like a process to me which is still in some progress (can't say negative or positive), so can't say when it started. Now saying started doesn't mean I wasn't lazy before (but u may call that as Lazy-1 and stage now as Lazy-2). So this Lazy-1 comprised of things like asking roomy to pass water-bottle, unwillingness to move and pick something from one end of bed when i am at the other end of it (to be noted mine is a usual single-bed), etc. it isn't hard to guess what other activities supported this Lazy-1 attitude.
But I always used to be active for activities like... :O activities in which I am lazy in Lazy -2. I am surprised that I have been avoiding trips, dinners, shopping sessions, outings, and any such fun stuff. I know here I sound totally non-human, but.. :(

I don't know whether it is laziness or reluctance due to Piled Higher and Deeper ( PHD) things to do. Whatever it be, I have already started working on it by wasting less time here and there on trivial stuff; so that i can't complain of shortage of time for studies. Although I am not at all typical-intellectual-studious kind of person, but this Lazy-2 behavior gives people around a feel as if I am that. Its just that shifting from M.Sc. to Ph.D. requires a bit of increased regular work... to which I am not used to :(
I am not very happy about the fact, but its time I should accept that I haven't still been able to get into a regular schedule. Hope I'll do it before it is not too late.

anyways..I have already wasted lot of time now..so getting back to work. :)

spirits at a night

i am not unaware of the stillness around me. it has always been there in some or the other form. despite of this stillness, my spirits are lively today. may be not yet out of the happy and gay mood of evening. but they haven't got a creature to accompany their silent sounds; except for this fan with its hoarse voice still evenly uttered words. as i am unable to entertain them any more, they are leaving for their celestial home, with a promise to come back riding on the sun's next ray. they need to fly, so they have left their heaviness on my visuals.

they are away now, and what is left behind is a dead corpse with some unfinished talks and some unturned pages beside it.



PS: its a white noise series generated after the merriment of annual gathering and while giving company to someone who was getting bored.. you may guess the extent of irritation one could be in after reading this .. would have been better without my help na.. :|

खयाल

आते हैं हर पल और चले जाते हैं...

कुछ उड़ जाते हैं हँसी में,
कुछ निकल पड़ते हैं बातों की अनजान गली में,
और कुछ डूब जाते हैं आंसुओं की नमी में।

बिल्कुल जैसे sublime होना पढ़ा था chemistry में...

लेकिन कभी कभी रह जाते हैं पीछे कुछ कतरे उनके अनकहे से,
फिर शुरू होती हैं दिल और दिमाग की गुफ्तगू इन कतरों के सहारे।

अगर वो होती है nursery में बैठे बच्चों की बातों सी,
तो लगती है प्यारी बहुत।
पर अगर वही दिल-ओ-दिमाग की गुफ्तगू
बन जाये चौराहे से गुज़रती गाड़ियों के शोर सी,
तो फिर चुभती है बहुत ...



PS: Got some of them during a short while..

1) a positive khayal.. i m not the most angry/ impatient/ arrogant/unreasonable being on planet earth.
God has made people worse than me.. :)

2) a negative khayal... i m good for nothing.. :(

3) and a neutral khayal... studying for GBM always leads to some such weird thing.. :|

...what I show is what you see,
that wasn't ever the true me...

a shadow

dancing all around me,
crawling to get long and short,
imprisoned in life of two-dimensions, lying down they are,
unable to get up and hold a hand,
because Shadows they are.

always black as mourners,
devoid of the spectrum of joy,
with an always changing geometry,
quite and expressionless, still alive,
because Shadows they are.

sometimes walking ahead,
or may be trailing behind secretly,
diminished at times,
yet trying hard not to leave him alone,
because a Shadow it is.

it knows he hates being alone,
but Darkness is ignorant of the lone,
takes that shadow away,
letting in another shadow,
a Shadow of Darkness.



PS: I am totally innocent; this random permutation & combination of words is due to sum of squares of random errors in brain, caused by uniform integrability and martingales.. :P

I am loving it...

...its so much fun to have internal exam and the night before it.. :D :P had one after some 10 months.. yes it is the case when you have lost all opportunity to any such thing, and you miss.. Last night was all giggly, they were amazed why I look so happy..
...one could never understand unless has traveled through the phases.. :O

Life could not be better with so many things around. I don't mean to say, that anything or anyone has changed around; but surely the perspective is changed. Amidst the busy hours, confusing equations, guffaws on walk, there still creep some lone moments, still things are watery at times.. but they all complete me.. :)

Never knew that game called life would be so much fun..

silly of me.. took so much time realize this simple thing.


PS.1). I know there is no point in writing so much random, title-less stuff here; thanks for bearing :P

PS.2). Time to look forward at next problem ...don't worry, I'm talking about research problem.. :D

PS>3). Something more than average.. do have a look http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ULRosL7AOpk

बेफिक्र बचपन

तेज़ क़दमों से बढ़ चले थे छोड़ कर पीछे किसी गली में इसको,
जल्दी में थे तब शायद...

अब जब कभी मुश्किल लगता है दुनिया के साथ चल पाना,
तो ढूंढने निकलते हैं...

पर अब रस्ते बदल गए हैं और उन गलियों के निशान भी नहीं दिखते,
राह खो गयी है कहीं...

कभी कभी वो आकर अपनी झलक दिखा कर कहीं छुप जाता है,
जैसे चिढ़ा रहा हो..

खबर है कि वो नहीं आयेगा लौट के,
फिर भी हम तलाशते फिरते हैं दर-ब-दर इसको...


PS: neither prose nor poetry, just a random generation of mind...
a mind which is totally perplexed in simulation results and and future options/derivatives..

multi-tasking

..always thought that my system works well with multi-tasking..but realised just now how it is becoming slower..and could no more do with so many diverse things going on in its processor..offcourse not, when its sleep deprived, worried about work early in the morning itself..
..i m sorry :'(

PS: experienced how it could take just a moment to convert an impossible-to-hide-smile into a drooping-face.

they crossed

they crossed each other; or was it the case that their paths did,
and never did they..

PS: clicked @ Murud (Konkan).

updates

I always heard people saying there is lot to do when one is in research; one has to spend days and nights, one has to struggle, and what not. But during last 8 months I never felt much of any such thing. No one ever pushed me, and on my own how lazy I am, you know that. So the point of interest here is that situation has somehow turned upside down in a while. Stress is showing increasing trend, all for good; making me say, ab lag raha hai reasearch kar rahe hain. Some of it is not random, and could be attributed to GBM, making me do two not very trivial topics at the same time, forgetting that I have to work on my research problem too. In his own words, "Research students have got time. They can carry the problems with them, wherever they go. They are free, because they don't have many courses." :( But sir your course is equivalent to full stretch of 5 courses.
Anyways no point in getting sad over this, it was me who always want to study all this; and i still do love it. . thank you Sir :)

By the by I guess am almost over with that Introduction + ... + Conclusion crap (thanks to every one who cheered me up in the comments section); except for some n no. of readings by sir and the changes to follow. Copy + Paste helped me to some extent but the struggle there was that I find myself too lazy for that too.. I hope at this somebody doesn't slaps me saying i don't have rights to do research.. :(

In the mean while, during all the above ... when I was stuck with something to write, I was too occupied, and over that this chatter box habit washes everything off. I have often complained about some people, that they used to write so well in student life but now after getting into some sucking IT job they almost stopped. I used to say finding few moments could never be an issue; but now i realize how difficult it is to get some such moments.


PS: 1)Have you ever tried talking to yourself in morning ...do i sound stupid?; its fun, give a try ;)

PS: 2) Wrote to some people, with whom I haven't communicated since long; made me feel great :)

PS: 3) Yesterday evening was completely dedicated to some bursts of laughter (from chameli to chameleon) :D
PS: PS: 3) Looking back made me realize, that there are not many such moments, so I should treasure them :)

PS: 4) Understood how change is the only constant in life :O

struggling

Warning: Don't misinterpret this as struggle for something big; actually to me at the moment it is looking as big as a mountain, but in general that is not the case.

So the thing is I am over with some small work, and now I need to write in form of a (research)paper. I am due with it since 8 days. We have all results ready, it just needs to be penned down in proper way with Introduction, Conclusion and all the other screwing stuff. So apparently no issues in that. But as you know this girl is too lazy to write things (except when it comes to blog or so.. :P). This is why I always wanted to run away from examination hall, not because I didn't know, but I was too lazy to write it down. This is why I advocated viva kind exams. Still somehow with that impatience and laziness I was able to manage with reasonable grades for M.Sc. But I am clueless how to manage it here. I am striving since last Sunday to write down and finish it up. One more weekend has come and gone away, and I am still there. I am wondering what I did all this while. Simply procrastinating..
After all as Calvin says, Weekends don't count unless you spend them doing something completely pointless.

And this night all the while I was dreaming about this, making strategies about how to climb this 4-5 page mountain, which at the moment seems unapproachable.. :( Somebody help.. :'(

PS: I wish writing that note would have been as easygoing as writing here.

फूल

उजले उजले फूल खिले थे,
बिल्कुल जैसे तुम हस्ते हो|
                     -बशीर बद्र

PS: clicked them at Open Canteen at around 8 PM.. :)

time for fun and memories

When I was in class 3 I saw a beach for the first time. It was Juhu beach; crowded messed up kind, so there wasn't any specific affinity towards the tides.
Later during post grads in Pune I got to see them in the real sense, not those crowded and dirty but the real lovely clean ones. and as I was with batch mates so no restrictions, and our enjoyment tended to infinity. We used to go inside water til it was to our waists or so, and then wait for tides to come and drown us, and taste the salty water, which appeared like some weird version of Manchurian.. :P Then we were literally dragged back, as none of us wanted to get out of it..

And it was not just the beach, what complemented our trips, was the way ..
I have then first time seen some road so beautiful, with clouds not letting the vehicles move, drizzling, then that greenery as we approached Konkan coast didn't let me move eyes from the window..


As I was not a part of M.Sc batch so was not interested to join these guys for the trip last semester, but I got to see sea thrice in 6 days in October during my visit to Kerala. We just saw the sea needs to be emphasized as I was with family, so no point of going inside. I don't know why they are so scared. Why should one be, of that clean, deep, beautiful, blue water body.. :O

This time its Harne beach (again Konkan) . But the difference this time is that something inside me convinced the other me to join them. Even if not many friends are going, even if I won't be able to yell and shout on the way and in the beach as I always did u see I am senior now :( .... even if ..whatever...
Still I want to enjoy again those days, and want to be there and remeber the days when I was there with my special friends.. :) I miss you all ...


for the first time i saw the flower of lady finger plant ..