a year

Yup... there I am; a year with this blog. An year back on the same day we became friends. I had intended to have it since my graduation when I came to know what a blog is and read one thoroughly, but it took me almost 2 years to do it practically. What I began with appeared crap even to me, won't comment about others.

But as I went ahead it accompanied me through everything, from my dilemmas and my questions to those beautiful rain drops; from weird feelings that crept my heart at times to the moments that tickled me; from contentment I got by being on myself to the decisions which I might repent or be happier over in future; from my affection towards statistics to my sketches; from admiring the beauty of nature to critical analysis of research discussions; from blocked mind unable to spit anything here to the one blabbering blah..and much more.

I won't say this is my best friend. But this is the only one who has understood me always. Although there was no relief provided by it, but a satisfaction that at least someone is listening to me :)
All the while I did it in the real sense. I guess I inspired around 7 or more friends of mine into this blog world.

And the special gift that it has given me is, so many friends, fellow bloggers. I kept admiring (silently on web but loudly otherwise) them, throughout this year, some for there effectiveness, some for there proficiency, others for their frankness, some for their creativeness and rhythm, another for the humor, and then for a few, reasons yet remain unexpressed. Some are even unaware of my existence here, and some have not only laughed on my jokes but encouraged too at times. With new additions every now and them, there was a post when I was worried about the increasing no. and attributed my blocked mind to more reading, but later I realized that it is all part of it.

I wish a long life to the world around my blog (and that off course includes my blog) u see neighborhood of a point has to have the point itself.. :P

There is a smile on my face right now, one of contentment. The hidden smile; not the usual giggly one which any passerby can read. As if some one has some how formatted the system, and system is happy on getting all the programs being reinstalled, and all crap files are removed. So it is not getting a feel of Program Not Responding, and need for Ctrl+Alt+Del. That’s too kiddy metaphor, and I use it often; we are more of machines than human..you see..!!

On a serious note, this automatic unwinding is so amazing, that I am feeling totally different. Always it is the case that in lack of people to accompany, absence of friends, I keep looking on phone that it should ring and I will have a chance to talk. If I don’t want it to ring then definitely I am angry or upset or both. But today on walk ambiance looked so beautiful, it held my hand so softly, made me listen a rhythm so divine, that I don’t want any calls to help me pass my boredom. When I am walking alone, almost every time, I long for an encounter with some friend or an acquainted. But today it was good to see that no one was there. When I looked back, road was all on its own, except for few strangers, whose presence doesn’t matter. It isn’t that I don’t have any pending works, they are as always there, but then only difference is that’s not bothering me, I am not worried. Its not the usual brisk walk, it is a leisure walk. And up above moon looks so lovely, and elegant at the same time, while it is busy playing with clouds.

Nothing to run for. To be on one’s own. This was one of the most delicious(to heart) desserts I have ever had.. :)

And that’s my lullaby for the time..simply wonderful!!

Another summer day, has come and gone away, in Paris and Rome
But I wanna go home
May be surrounded by, A million people I, still feel all alone
I just wanna go home, Oh, I miss you, you know
And I’ve been keeping all the letters that I wrote to you
Each one a line or two, “I’m fine baby, how are you?”
Well I would send them but I know that it’s just not enough
My words were cold and flat, And you deserve more than that
Another aeroplane, Another sunny place
I’m lucky, I know
But I wanna go home, I’ve got to go home
Let me go home
I’m just too far from where you are
I wanna come home
And I feel just like I’m living someone else’s life
It’s like I just stepped outside, when everything was going right
And I know just why you could not come along with me
'Cause this was not your dream, but you always believed in me
Another winter day has come and gone away in even Paris and Rome
And I wanna go home, Let me go home
And I’m surrounded by, a million people I, still feel all alone
Oh, let me go home, Oh, I miss you, you know
Let me go home, I’ve had my run
Baby, I’m done, I gotta go home, Let me go home
It will all be all right, I’ll be home tonight,
I’m coming back home

-Michael Buble

pseudo blues

when we spoil the weekend all doing here and there and going to bed late, then there is a Monday morning blue as a outcome. But when we end up a nice holiday, in the mid of week which is full of work, doing everything but work, then there is another type of blues..
the symptoms are very clear,
->when you are already out of sleep even before the alarm,
->you feel the strategy and talking and planning, in dreams too about next day's work similar to what I did few days back,
->you are full charged next day to compensate for previous day's loss,
->Murphy's law starts working more actively to add up for your problems

anyways time to work now..

ग्लास पेंटिंग्स

ग्लास पेंटिंग्स बनाने का शौक था उसको, रंग ही उसका सब कुछ होने लगे थे। यूँही बनाते बनाते नजाने कितनी ही बना डालीं उसने। इतनी की चारों ओर बस वही दिखाई देती थीं। उसके छोटे से कमरे में दीवारें नहीं थीं, सिर्फ खिड़कियाँ ही थीं। हर खिड़की पर एक पेंटिंग रखी थी उसने ।
फिर एक दिन हवा ने अपना रुख बदला, और खिडकियों पर दस्तक दी। नजाने किस देश से आई थी कि उसे बड़ीअच्छी लगी। और उसने खोल दिए किवाड़ सारे। वो तो खो ही गया था उन झोकों में। जब होश आया तो न हवा थी और न ही वो रंग। हवा में खिडकियों के परदे ऐसे झूमे थे की हौले हौले एक एक पेंटिंग का वजूद ख़त्म होता गया था।
बस रह गए थे वो कांच के बिखरे हुए टुकड़े फर्श पर। उन टुकड़ों को समेटने की बहुत कोशिश की थी उसने, एक शक्ल देने की। पर हर बार उन्हें उठाते हुए हाथ कट जाता था, कभी कभी कुछ कतरे खून भी बह जाता था। और वो यही सोचता रह जाता था कि ये टुकड़ा किस पेंटिंग का है।
जब दर्द का एहसास होता था तो सोचता कि फेंक ही दूंगा इन्हें अब कहीं, लेकिन फिर ख़याल आता कि क्यूँ न एक कोशिश और की जाये इन्हें जोड़ कर एक मुकम्मल शक्ल देने की। इसी कशमकश में रह जाता था। पर इन कोशिशों में हाथ बहुत कट गए हैं उसके । सोच रहा था की अब खिड़कियाँ निकलवा कर पूरी दीवार ही बनवा दे। खिड़कियाँ न रहीं तो हवा की दस्तक का डर नहीं रहेगा।

सोचती हूँ की आज जब वो सो जायेगा तो मै ही जाके उन्हें समेट कर ले आयुंगी और रख लूंगी अपनी अलमारी में। पुराने निशान न रहें तो नयी शुरुआत शायद आसान हो।

और फिर बने कुछ पेंटिंग्स.. फिर बने कुछ रिश्ते..

2 from today's top stories

After a long time I was going through the top stories in one of the news websites. As always there is lot of things happening around, and out of those, lot of things catch our attention, just like infinite subtracted from infinite.

The two of them which caught me today, were quite diverse to each other
1)Literature fest opens in Jaipur
2)People homeless in Delhi winter

I felt something for both stories..

Reason for first is trivial. Presence of a few people there, whom I really wish to listen in live once. I am always amazed by their work, so..All across the globe admirers of these big people have assembled and celebrating a festival of art and literature in the city known for its own culture, history, and art.

For the second here it goes. Since I have myself experienced the winter in north of India for years, so I very well know what it means. But at the same time I still don't know what it means and how it feels to be at roadside, on the footpaths, for those who don't have enough woolens and blankets, who see their parents and kids loosing the struggle to survive. And even none of us could feel who have always had more than adequate resources, to fight against cold. And the interesting part of story is, they have been given two blankets each by government, and the response then is, "one we put on the bed, and the other over us, so how can be one sufficient for this cold?" :(

PS: By putting these two stories of celebration and pain together, in no way I am intending any sort of awakening in the society. Its just a reflex that the two things held me at the same time, and this place is for anything that holds me back for the moment.

nights & days

Some nights are full of busy times on phone, some chats, some messages; and some nights are as silent as dead phone.

Some days are full of mails overflowing the inbox;
and some days are as dead as if no server in the world.

a realization

As I grew I have admired some people, to be precise, actually these were some of their qualities which I liked, and have always wanted them in me. I never knew those beings completely. They were far off. Unreachable. Those person were nothing more to me than there special characteristic quality in human shape. I judged them by that single thing and praised them. It was my foul imagination that they are the perfect ones in all aspects. They lived in my imagination as I found best. But..

But now when I think I am really grown up to see beyond that, I find all those things not true. Actually there is nothing like growing, its just a matter of experience with some of them. It is now that I realize that every person has his shortcomings. They too have some lacuna in them. And none of those, whom I have admired is perfect. They are all like me, with lot of imperfections. Or may be better than me, because they have perfection in some aspects. And who knows, someone in some corner of world is admiring me too, despite of the fact that, I don't see anything admirable in me.

PS: Happy with still busy status and some self-realizations.

strange me

Sometimes we dream, and later the impact is so hard that for a short while it becomes difficult to understand that it wasn't reality, just a dream. But today something similar happened but in different way.
I woke up at 7 but feeling more sleepy again went down to bed to have few more minutes of rest. I wasn't sure whether I will be sleepy again or not, so that was just a try. My mind was preoccupied by some issues and some people. So as usual my brain was talking (its a bigger chatter box than me). After a while when I woke up (or I was already awake all those 35 mins), I was wondering have I slept or I was just thinking. But then it seemed I have slept, and all those things were thought and discussed in dreams. Thinking in dreams, thats too confusing na? Even for me. That is so strangely stupid of me, if I was really thinking all those things in my dreams.. :O
Strange me.

busy but enjoying

With lot of simulation works to prove the results, and with all the things going wrong, I have lots of work to do, at least for the time being; which is enough to keep me occupied. To be noted, me being occupied here means my brain is busy with some positive, constructive, fruitful (still not sure about the results) work to the contrary of usual killing of time on internet and procrastinating work. I think thats influence, someone did say yesterday, wasting time can also be done in a planned and useful manner ;) I think I am on the track for for the day at least. Actually when I am busy I am happy. So key is to be busy. But being like me never gets busy until and unless there is some sort of deadline whether it be visible or invisible. So again there is a uncertainty about how long will I be happy and not cursing the self and not writing those weird, drooping posts.

Sometimes I listen to a song, get addicted to it and want more of it and keep listening to it n no. of times, and it could be anything. I guess I am not the only one to whom this happens. Sometimes I am on Wish I was your lover, sometimes it could be favorites from Jagjit Singh, on the other times it could even be Chiggy-Wiggy track :O And the latest was Tere Utare Hue Din (I think it got more than 2n times). And the current one is It must have been love by Roxette. I am loving this old ballad like anything and there are no specific reasons for that except for its music, lyrics and voice :P And then while scrolling through others came across these words, and felt as nothing could be more perfect..

Oh, why you look so sad? Tears are in your eyes
Come on and come to me now.
Don't be ashamed to cry, let me see you through
Cause I've seen the dark side too.
When the night falls on you, you don't know what to do,
Nothing you confess could make me love you less
I'll stand by you,
I'll stand by you, won't let nobody hurt you,
I'll stand by you.
So, if you're mad get mad, don't hold it all inside,
Come on and talk to me now.
And hey, what you got to hide? I get angry too
But I'm a lot like you.
When you're standing at the crossroads, don't know which path to choose,
Let me come along, cause even if you are wrong
I'll stand by you,
I'll stand by you, won't let nobody hurt you,
I'll stand by you.
Take me into your darkest hour, and I'll never desert you.
I'll stand by you.
And when, when the night falls on you baby, you're feeling all alone,
You won't be on your own, I'll stand by you.
I'll stand by you
I'll stand by you, won't let nobody hurt you.
I'll stand by you
Take me in into your darkest hour and I'll never desert you
I'll stand by you.

peace of mind

When mind is disturbed, just let it be. Give it a little time. It will settle down on its own. You don’t have to put in any effort to calm it down. It will happen. It is effortless.
‘Peace of Mind’ is not a strenuous job; it is an effortless process!

Today morning someone mailed me a story of Buddha with the above message as moral of the story. Loved what it conveyed. Because this was something I wanted to be told. Sometimes I keep overlooking the obvious facts like this. And once I see them life no more remains complicated. Its as simple as life could be. :P

By the way I was just remembering some stories/poems in English II for ISC/ICSE . Those used to be simple and soothing..I loved almost all of them..but couldn't name each..some of them which I was pondering over today were Miracle of Lava Canyon, Unwanted, Love across the salt desert, Too Bad, Gift of Magi, Most Beautiful, Aurengzeb at his father's bier, A Doctor's Journal Entry 6th August 1945, Father William..and many more.
If you get to read any of these do go for it, I am sure you will love them.
:-)

I am proving my dumbness in my blog too.
Just noticed that 4 out of last 5 posts were written on a sad, dull, low note. When I was upset. Does that mean that is what I feel 80% of the time. Then this could be a misuse of statistics; a non-representative sample could lead readers to make wrong inference about the writer.. :P
Lets do some work now.. :-)

Dumb & Dumber

Day by day I am realising how dumb I am and how I am becoming more and more. It wouldn't have been that bad if the situation was just for non statistical things. But I am feeling more of ignorant even in statistics. Although saying that being dumb in other aspects will be fine with me is also not justified like a geek (because I am not that) but atleast then I would be serving some purpose, but now I feel as if I cannot to do anything, actually I am not doing anything. I have started doubting my capacity of doing research. When I started I was confident enough.

Don't know how the situation has changed within a period of less than 6 months. Or may be its just a stroke of restlessness penetrating my mind, attributed to my pessimism. I wish its the later one.

Being unable to get the solution of simple things... and then while reading some complex things entering the chakravyuh..going within and within the nest of papers, without knowing where to stop..

And some friends, who are forcing me not to believe them. I don't want to do that. But then, there has to be an explanation for somethings.

Everything is making me feel a stupid. A fool.