Thoughts about Me

Few friends of mine, as they see the blog suggest why do you always write about YOURSELF. I wondered on this for quite a while. But then as I think and think again on it, I realised that, for me I am the most important person. This statement may seem selfish and self-obsessed, but then it does not matters to me. I think to most of us the first thing that matters is our ownselves; it could be directly or indirectly... some admit and some don't.

need to be changed@deep...way of reacting to different situations have always been too direct, thats not out of choice...always find myself a looser in manipulating my reactions. And I believe everyone of us thinks something weird about everything, but then we dont express it always. Even I don't. I dont like being diplomatic, but there have been few instances where I really think I could have behaved in a better manner.

happy with that@deep...never loved being someone else to make others happy. By now all my decisions have been just mine. They made others unhappy but in course of time things settle down, except for few moments when a corner of heart aches within...par
gulashan kii faqat phuulon se nahiin kaanton se bhii ziinat hotii hai,
jiine ke liye is duniyaa men gam kii bhii zaruurat hotii hai

need to be changed@deep..."gam" thats another thing I wonder alot about. Even most of the time I find myself writing about something sad, something gloomy, something that made me unhappy... its very seldom when I am happy and writing. May be we write only when we introspect; and we introspect only when we are in a sort of negative airs or may be blank.
vo purasish-e-gam ko aaye hain kuchh kah na sakun chup rah na sakun,
Khaamosh rahun to mushkil hai kah dun to shikaayat hoti hai

happy with that@deep...always find going into extreme of things, tastes, hobbies, interests and all that. Whenever I like doing something I totally become crazy for that, and keep on doing that repeatedly or may be continuously...and then as it happens, intensity goes down...and i wonder and smile about that period...be it internet, Ruskin Bond, RK Narayan, some blog, movies, picasa or any blah..
ai vaaiz-e-naadaan karataa hai tuu ek qayaamat kaa charchaa,
yahaaN roz nigaahen milatii hain yahaan roz qayaamat hotii hai

need to be changed@deep...keep on wondering about anything or things which matter equivalent to nothing...for long..longer than required. This is what I feel if I could change I can give my potential better off to issues which are more important to me and my future.

happy with that@deep...becoming too happy, cheerful, high on spirits and excited on even the very small things. Can't stop smiling and then everyone can identify that from the glitter in eyes. I always love those moments as present as well as the past.
raat bhar sochta raha tujhko,
zehno dil mere raat bhar mehke

As a matter of fact I again ended up writing something about myself... with the help of lines which I find very close to myself. And I would say I can't help it..thats the way I am.!!

Change

"Things are going too fast after the result...and it seems too hectic, as if responsibility on little shoulders is increasing exponentially..." that is what I have been exactly wondering about from 2-3 days...
Internals
Project
Interview for fellowship
Final Semester Exams
CSIR Exam
Proposal for Research
.......this is a small list...for doing them so many tasks need to be done. Theres nothing like that these are forced on me.. I am happy to do but then I just need to manage and schedule up a bit, which I am not at all used to..
Many more things are coming up in few months which actually I am not used to...one will be to stay without batchmates who slowly became friends, and giving long stretches on reading and so on. That might include having meals alone, as well as very cherished night walks.
I have got to know this a bit before, so I think I should try adapting for this change; and don't complain as if ' who moved my cheese?'

Somehow these lines from Ruskin Bond's text are soothing me up now, although they not at all relate to my state now.

Remembering the times gone by,
With a twinkle in my eyes, alas the sigh
Every moment beautiful, every smile charming
These are the memories I have of the days passing.

The silent talk under the star lit sky
Looking upwards flying ever so high
Sharing our lives, caring for one another
Seeing each other happy, the days full of wonder

The endless discussions, the dreamy flights
It seemed things were in plain sight
The illusion was broken, our hands were tied.
You left, leaving me misty eyed.!!!

That Happened to be True.

A few days back I mentioned about some weird dream I had one fine morning. And now today as it became true, at first I was not at all able to decide the way I should react. I have cleared the exam so it’s a matter to be happy and so was everyone around and congratulating me. But as I know that was not the only thing I wanted. I aimed at JRF, but could get LS only. So just that seems to be as good as not having it. But I can not explain it to others, and was unable to react properly. To them my reaction seemed to be weird. Mummy said I am not satisfied with what I got but I actually never wanted it. Anyways later I realized the worth of moment and enjoyed it. Atleast I have not completely disappointed the people who expected from me
Something I feel like reproducing here is what I felt 5 days before the exam. I was not on blog roll then so thing remained on my laptop, for a while.
(contd.)
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Fear of failure
December 15, 2008
It’s so intense that it is stopping me from making any effort. There’s a strong feeling that it is not possible to do it now; I am too late. Yesterday it was fine but all of a sudden today it altogether seems impossible. I don’t know why my all sorts of energy levels are always at extreme ends. Few days back being very positive of achieving the target, I was happy enough; now I am not at all feeling like making an appearance in the exam. Life once again seems gloomy. It has always been the same with me.
But I am totally clueless what to do right now, and how to proceed with such feelings. I can’t let this chance go like that, since this is absolutely a first and last chance for me. In a way I am in a do or die situation. But now with just 5 more days to go, and loads ahead, seems unattainable with my sort of working style.
And this ‘lost a battle without struggling’ sort of feeling is making me feebler at work.
Lets see what God has in His stores for me.
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(contd.)
Though at the moment it may not seem the best, but GOD always keeps something good for everyone. And later, people like me realize how that turned out to be the best thing to happen. So let me see now how it turns out to be the best.

Who showed the path

In this long journey, called life, we come across different people. Each moment witnesses an encounter with a person, who goes by and teaches us some lesson. And that’s the way life is, discovering something or the other at each instant, whether consciously or unconsciously. So in a way the world around us is a teacher.
But all of a sudden, today I feel like thanking all my teachers (though its not the occasion of teacher’s day or guru poornima, but it is something more important to me).
There are some people in my life who have direct influence on what I am now, and more importantly what I want to become. They have enlightened my path with their experiences and guidance. It is because of there direction that I know what I want out of myself.



Papa: Man of basics
Starting with the most important person. My first teacher, because of whom I always enjoyed mathematics and loved it like anything, when many around hated it. He is responsible for my interest, which is carried on uptil now, and I am sure its going to stay forever. He always taught me the biggest problems, in the simplest way. He removed all panic which could be at that tender age. And then later he has been always there to supported me with my decisions, although at each of it I go against him. Even today its the same.


Piyush Sir & Pandey Sir
They were the first ones to believe, even before me, that I am capable of doing something more than a job at some company. With hell lot of impatience in me it seemed impossible; and they seemed, as if saying some words to encourage me, but now when I am really upto that, I realize they knew me more than I do, and believed me.

Alok Goswami
I interacted with him for a very short period (10 days or so) in a workshop on stochastic processes. At the end of those 10 days I was out of all confusions about whether to go for some professional course (like mca or mba) or continuing with statistics. And that was the time I somehow started liking Stochastic specifically.



Ramanathan Sir: Modest person, accessible to all
Remembering the time, when I was new to department (for M.Sc.) everyone tried to frighten about him in some or the other manner, but despite all, I could never develop any sort of negative feelings. At times when I could not perform well in his subject, there wasn’t a fear of poor scores, but the fear of letting down his expectations. The trust in his eyes was the only thing which encouraged me to not only opt for an extra course, but also make it happen. I am not sure how and what but something in him has always influenced me to be like him.



Marathe Sir: Perfect combination of precision and depth
This is no overstatement. Whatever concepts he taught us were always refined, accurate, with no loopholes in them and expected the same from us. Having three courses under him is really a matter of good fate. And his promise for a course in my much loved topic, Stochastics, (provided I come back) is like a dream come true state. He always shows his confidence in us, which keeps us moving forward. He is the one who has shown me the path towards a research career rather than serving some one.


Kunte Sir: Master of Bridge & Bayesian at the same time
He made me move a step ahead towards my interest. The way he makes things light and smooth going, in a perfect blend of theory with applications, with a tint of historical incidence, makes it impossible for to miss his talks. And after all he has the most delighted laugh with so many “ho-ho”s, and even if its your stupidity that made him laugh you would yourself be laughing in a moment.

Rajarshi Sir
In the 2nd semester I not at all liked him. He is amazing with his brain at applications but I was a sort of scared of him, and neither did I get some very good scores. I even remember dreaming him rusticating me for some mischieve. But now this semester things are completely different. Theres no repulsion. And I have realised he is very helpful and guides very humbly. And above that when he explains applications of stochastic things are so wonderful. And may be my future work would go on under him. :)

Life: As I see it

1)struggle for existence
2)few moments with smile on face and shine in eyes, followed by a lot full of straight face and watery eyes
3)every moment trying to make optimism to overcome the pessimist within
4)a fight with the own self.
5)chasing dreams; mind it not pursuing...times running fast.
6)disappointing those who love you & care for you; and then getting disappointed on this.
7)failed attempt to make others happy.
8)feeling short of word when you have a pile within.
9)a feel to scream out in the ears of those who are not trying to listen to u, pretending as deaf.
10)ending up as a good listener, when wanting to speak out.
11)trying different ways to fill void space inside.
12)trying to make the temper a bit longer as it is too short.
13)wishing to be a kid again, although i have still parts of it within.
14)admiring some criticising others.
15)hating to get identically distributed as all but loving to be independent random variable.
16)being selfish
17)as I thought few people are always gud to us, I was wrong(in reference to previous post)


PS:
1)its too random and I myself is not sure what form of writing was that
2)i'll keep adding what I feel to this list
3)feel free to add ur perceptions

Its so nice of GOD to make a few people who are always good to us..No matter how much we hurt them, they are always thinking for our happiness..
and what do we do other than thinking for ownself...how selfish.!!

A troubled Eye

the day I wrote last post I was already not in a good form and another thing that kept me occupied the whole day was one of the murphy’s law..”Things tend to go from bad to worse”.... There was some intuition that things are surely gonna be worse for the day and one ahead but I did not knew how.
I went outside the campus in the evening to finish some work and while coming back something crept into one of my visual organ. I was alone so in an attempt to remove it I kept rubbing it...until I reached hostel. A friend helped me doing it but it was already in sort of injury. And there I was with the most boring way to enjoy a weekend. I was supposed to close my eyes and give them rest as much as I can....I have to do that with both, because eyes are the twin ones and don’t do anything alone....and without them if I was unable to study the course then it might have been alright, but I was not supposed to complete my second reading of English Teacher also.. :( . What else could be done, no movies even.!!!
Every time I am the one whos scolding people around for not taking care of their health, bt this time everyone else got a chance, as if taking a revenge. I was one of the quiz cordinators to be held on saturday, but then with eyes closed the only thing I could do was to give suggestions on what to ask where, thanks to the partner she managed everything quite smartly.
After sleeping for 14-15 hours my patience ended. Friends tried giving me company, and not to let me bore.. I am not at ease for asking people favours...it makes me uncomfortable if I bother someone for quite long.. and that was the yesterday eve... so at around 7:30 to make myself relax, went to the roof..in a bit of sad tone.
But moon made me smile as I climbed. It was not full, may be in a day or so. But it filled everything with its light, as if giving a positive feel to everything. I decided to lay down. I think nature is the best thing that was ever made by God, better the human even, we are good for nothing just spoiling all the beauty. The breeze seemed to be very special, as if taking away all my worries, confusions and dilemmas. Now as I am writing this I still have to hold my eye and bear with the itching patiently...but then I could not keep myself away from scribbling here anymore.

Me

Everyone is happy with preperations for annual gathering going on; all of a sudden I am losing all excitement..all the enrgy, as someone is pulling everything out.
most of the people around are not happy with meand to make the situation worse everyone near is increasing his expectations towards me...from friends to teachers....even the own self.
I am lost...confused...preplexed.

A Butterfly

Some very beautiful and refreshing lines ...from RK narayan's English Teacher, portraying the love and affection between a man, who has become callous after death of his wife, and his daughter...

"The first thing that woke me in the morning was the cold hands of my daughter placed on my forehead and the shout "Appa" (father), or sometimes she just sat, with her elbows on the ground and her chin between the palms, gazing into my face as I lay asleep. Whenever I opened my eyes in the morning, I saw her face close to mine, and her eyes scrutinizing my face. I do not know what she found so fascinating there. Her eyes looked like a pair of dark butterflies dancing with independent life, at such close quarters.
"Oh father has woken up!" she cried happily. I looked at her with suspicion and asked: "What have you been trying to do so close to me?" " I only wanted to watch that is all. I didn't wake you up."
"Watch what?"
"I wanted to watch if any ant or fly was going to get into you through your nose, that is all..."
"Did any get in?"
"No. Because I was watching." There was a hint in her tone as if a sentry had mounted guard against a formidable enemy.
"What do you do when you sleep, father?" Once again a question that could not be asked by an adult; perhaps only another child could find an answer for it. " I was saying something close to you and yet you didn't reply."
"What were you saying?"
"I said: there is a peppermint, open your mouth!...

Anonymous

I am feeling like writing something, don’t know what but I want to. Not feeling a bit well, so may be after an attempt I will feel alright.
Today last lecture was that of Bayesian Inference, as usual. But with Kunte Sir each usual thing happens to become different. He is always there with something interesting, may be some historical fact like that of D.Basu’s example of elephants or some paradox.
With the continuous headache since the last night, I am feeling irritated. Atleast the usual charged behaviour is missing. At times such positive behaviour could also become a reason for irritation. People become so much used to of your exciteded charged behaviour, with smile on your face and glitter in eyes that when any of these is missing, every next person points out and asks whats wrong, typically ”Kya hua deep, kuch hua hai kya?” Absurd it is, don’t I have right to behave in normal sense. Am I always supposed to be happy? If a person isn’t happy does it means he is sad. Isn’t there a midway between the two.
Ohhh… I was taking about something else. Bayesian class. It was interesting as it is always. Sir made a mention about Jeffreys-Lindleys Paradox, which was logical but had a catch in it. Although it has been already been discussed by TVR, but then it did not sounded like something to be paid attention on.

In between the lecture, due to uneasiness, my visual organs kept on regularly visiting the window side. Lecture being at the 2nd floor, the only thing visible outside is branches of a tree, which comes in between the setting sun and window. It was around 4:30. There was a different sort of stillness outside. Generally at this hour of day, wind is such that it causes leaves to murmur, whispering as if to gain our attention. Today movement seemed to be unusually soft, as if trying not to distract me.But I was already.
Those soft moves might have gone completely unnoticed if I would not have looked at the first empty desk.
Even just before going sun seemed to be reasonably charged, strong and full of energy, as if teasing me. It was helping the leaves to make different continuous moving structures on the front desk. I was imagining many things out of it. For a moment or so those figures looked as if some large atoms are making a random movement or equivalently in two-dimensional Brownian motion. Very next moment they seemed to be fishes of shadows floating on the suns rays. And then deformed fairies, which are dancing all around.

Are you surprised on whether I was paying attention to hypothesis testing with so much of weird imaginations going on? Even I am.