Abstraction

Since the day I have created this place for myself to write, I have kept on mentioning about some or the other situation which is not known to most of the people who read this, leading to posts which seem discrete and in fact they are. Until now it has happened that things are known to one or two persons, which makes me feel that I am not abstract, but today I have something in my heart and mind which I won’t able to share with anyone. At least not right now, not even with the concerned person.
Two days back, I came to know something about a friend, through some source which actually I should not have used, as I believe it to be unjust, but did that yesterday again. There should not have been any problem with this, but act has developed a sort of repulsion for ... , and something in my heart doesn’t want me to do so, making me agitated.
Doing such things might be common and not at all wrong. But this person has been deceptive enough. I never expected it from ... . So there’s a sense of guilty for getting mistaken in judging a person; and a feel that I am not yet mature enough.
I have been consistently thinking of mentioning it to ... in some way, but then I am at no place to do; as it is just a matter of interest. And off course ... principles and ideals are different from mine.
I am not able to resist myself from not thinking on this since I don’t want to stay off, but already feeling driven away; totally clueless on my reaction on the situation.

P.S.:I would apologize from all those reading this for:
0. Even after reading this n number of times you won’t be able to guess it, even the concerned person cannot ..:(
1. On making you read a senseless post once again.
2. In case you are curious to know about person/source/interest.

Pastimes

Among all the 21 courses (including optional as well as compulsory) I did as a part of M.Sc., I liked almost all of them, and there has never been any kind of dislike except for 3 of them. Every beautiful thing has a spot in it, if moon can’t escape then how could this curriculum do. And the spots are so unbearable, at least for me that it becomes necessary to find some pastime.


2nd semester had some non-single-valued kind subject. I always managed to get a seat in last row, and did all sorts of things which kept me occupied and did not let me pay attention. It could be novels, mobile games, sudoku, kakuro, loop the loop, playing bollywood with the fellow on right or left, etc.


In the 3rd semester it was designer subject. I could not succeed in doing something very interesting in his classes except for listening radio(using headsets) and music on MP3. But he was attentive enough to notice, who is doing what. I will be always thankful to him for giving me E and saving from F.


This semester, it has just started but flying away, with the 3rd one in this sample. It’s the most intolerable thing I have attended. Lectures are full of confusions, with all the mess at board and its hard to find what being going on. I should stop criticizing her anymore. I have got no rights to do so, as she tries gives her best, but there’s some gap that we are unable to catch her.

So, being helpless, I again got resort to some pastime. This time it was something different from previous ones. I started sketching the cartoons. As I am bad at giving a form to imagination, so they are off course not original ones. But now making them it has become quite a strong desire. I always wait for the sampling lectures. Let me share a few.

STRAY

The day next is scheduled for test of Inference in Stochastic Processes. And MBR’s paper is never an idle tale. And putting efforts in studying and racking brains during solving paper generally go in vain; but it takes nerve for not studying at all.
So I consciously decided(which I thought would be wiser) to not to go for listening to Nobel laureate. And then I ended up in utilizing this time in real noble activities. Let me see what they were and how they were not at all useless.
Slept for three hours at a stretch. Not being able to do that last night, it was quite important for me. But then got up with mind full of thoughts which were inexhaustible. At a glance which seemed to be a sort of introspection; about how I have been behaving differently, always trying to go off the track, become a unbending on issues, and all that dull blah. Which brought the self grading down.
And the next thing I am doing is this. Although writing the 2nd one for the hour, my mind is still completely occupied with all sorts of thoughts, which are jumbled up. But I did not repent spending my time like that. Do we always have to do things which make sense to others, and seem logically correct? Can’t we behave randomly sometimes.

Out Look

A week back, when 1st internal assessment started for the last semester, each of us was subconsciously happy. We will be no more taught anything now onwards. End of everything, from lectures to bunks, exams to results, playing bollywood to making cartoons. It seems to be the beginning of the end.
What about the other side.
Stepping into a new world, which seems to be appealing. Will it be so? Well let it remained unanswered for a while.
I have already tried planning out things which I need to do in order to fulfill my dream. In fact everyone has done so. We have not only thought about the new beginning but taken a step ahead with it as well. So that’s the end of new beginning.

Random Walk: A perfect model

Have you ever experienced that when you are trying to run away from something,with all your heart and soul; then all of a sudden over all your efforts you are being puhed towards it with a greater force. Theres nothing new about this.

Last night(it was already dawn infact), I was thinking about a similar situation which has stuck me. I was trying to visualize it, in order to have a solution. Getting just over from the project work, which involved all sorts of probabilities, I ended up giving it a form of random walk. It appeared to me as if I trying to get out of it, and my success in it carries certain probability. But the force which pushes me back has twice the probability of getting succeeded. That means I have landed in asymmetric Random Walk; and it precisely means in the long run I will strike the terrifying situation. Right now this long doesn't seems correct, it seems I will be there shortly. According to a friend my escape velocity is nearly zero.
Although I modelled it successfully but I could not come up with a solution

Note:
0. This post may seem a bit weird, but I am not responsible for it.
1. If any of you can find some more interesting model for a situation, please do tell me; may be its helpful.
2. If theres some error with the formulation, kindly inform me.

Just a dream or more than that?

I have cleared the CSIR exam...and that too got the JRF. Isn't that amazing? My whole family is so happy; my pleasure is inexpressible.

All of a sudden I realize that its just a dream.. and actually results are not yet out. But after a while results really appear. I have cleared the exam, but not good enough to get fellowship; I am not happy now. My graduation teacher(Piyush Sir) approaches me and explains, how and where I lack in writing answers.

Suddenly I hear my room-mates voice whos chatting with someone on phone. To my surprise all this was a dream. And now I am truely awake. It was 7:27 am. For few seconds I was unable to visualize what is happening. What all was part of dream; and what all really happened. As soon as I came back to my senses, I was perplexed. To share the reality I already know that neither of the two things, that is, what I dreamt nor what I dreamt whithin it, is gonna happen. And I am quite sure about myself reappearing the exam. Then what made me so upset, so panicked I was.

It has really stirred me up.What I am upto, with my such seriousness, wasting almost all time in rubbish stuff. May be this was to really wake me up.

Matter of Right and Wrong

Being right or wrong in a situation is just a matter of perception. Should the way we react to something at different situations be always the same...or shall they change from time to time?. Its quite weird to act sometimes aggressively to situations as I do generally. The moment always convinces me i am right, but later as a matter of fact, I don't find myself good to have reacted in that way. It may be the consequences which change my opinion on that matter or my previous perception only could be wrong.
Its always the same with me, but a few days back a friend of mine along with me reacted to a situation and we took some decision on the instant.Two days later we had no option other than getting irritated on our decision..There isn't anything bad in doing so, but problem is we lose our nerve for judging what is benefecial for the future. We lose the capability to sense the coming events.
Although I always think of reacting wisely the next time, but I land up in the same way.