lessons

Warning: Its typical deep crap, start reading at your own risk; don’t curse me later.

Too many lessons in too little period of time; and some conclusions about almost half of the human population (might not hold for everyone; since they are based on my personal experience).

Clock is about to tick 3, still I am sleepless; even watching 3 episodes of Prison break didn't help the thoughts crawling in my mind. Night is literally miserable, when I got another lesson about people from the neighboring planet. I agree that making mistakes is the best way to learn, but Lord I don’t want to have these lessons anymore. Its not that I have learnt everything I need to; it is just that I am afraid of the pain one has to suffer as a tuition fee to these lessons.

Well as usual I sound too abstract, but I am helpless. Having friends and then holding them aren’t easy, at least for me. May be it is me who is the originator of the mess every time, but I am sure I am innocent. I have always been fool to trust and believe people so soon. I don’t mean to say someone else is at fault, but me neither. And why do I have to suffer, when people at other end have no idea of how much humiliation one has to feel due to their immature or childlike behavior.

So the moral of the story: May be I just need to manipulate myself a little, the way I handle things, the way I behave with people. A little more disciplined, civilized behavior, with a tint of diplomacy and reserved attitude (something I actually hate) and pretension of being busy. Henceforth it will be difficult to be the usual friendly, chattering and giggling deep. As a desire to be more acceptable social person, it is better just being deep. May be it is not feasible to be our own selves, the original beings. When people around behaved like this I always wondered and questioned them, but now I understand, how this they were more appropriate.

Original is outdated, you see that.. :(

dil no more has to be a bachcha..just grow up..

PS: Now as you have come to the end, the only word left to say is I hated writing this here, as much as you hated reading; but somehow it was necessary.

..make me lazier

..you came along and changed everything.

you lift my feet to the ground,
you spin me around,
you make me crazier crazier...

you stuck my feet to the ground,
you make me unable to move,
you make me lazier lazier...

This is what goes in my minds when ever I listen to this beautiful song from Taylor Swift.

And as if laziness is directly proportional to weight, to complement this insanely edited song, what I dreamt today morning was even funnier. Can't recall the exact situation, but it was something like: I am checking my weight and to whichever weighing machine I am going I find the figure ranging in the interval ( 70,120), where the actual interval is (45,50). And the most amazing part is that every time I am checking I get to see a new quantity on the screen. Though looking at me one (even myself) couldn't actually find any difference. So the obvious reaction is something has happened to the working of all the machines. But when it worked normally for all other beings around, then I was forced to believe drastic and fluctuating increase in weight. Though I am curious about what actually happened next, but have no clues :O

Dreams apart, getting back to reality..

Yes lately I am feeling I have been getting lazier and lazier. Since this has been happening for few months and getting lazier looks like a process to me which is still in some progress (can't say negative or positive), so can't say when it started. Now saying started doesn't mean I wasn't lazy before (but u may call that as Lazy-1 and stage now as Lazy-2). So this Lazy-1 comprised of things like asking roomy to pass water-bottle, unwillingness to move and pick something from one end of bed when i am at the other end of it (to be noted mine is a usual single-bed), etc. it isn't hard to guess what other activities supported this Lazy-1 attitude.
But I always used to be active for activities like... :O activities in which I am lazy in Lazy -2. I am surprised that I have been avoiding trips, dinners, shopping sessions, outings, and any such fun stuff. I know here I sound totally non-human, but.. :(

I don't know whether it is laziness or reluctance due to Piled Higher and Deeper ( PHD) things to do. Whatever it be, I have already started working on it by wasting less time here and there on trivial stuff; so that i can't complain of shortage of time for studies. Although I am not at all typical-intellectual-studious kind of person, but this Lazy-2 behavior gives people around a feel as if I am that. Its just that shifting from M.Sc. to Ph.D. requires a bit of increased regular work... to which I am not used to :(
I am not very happy about the fact, but its time I should accept that I haven't still been able to get into a regular schedule. Hope I'll do it before it is not too late.

anyways..I have already wasted lot of time now..so getting back to work. :)

spirits at a night

i am not unaware of the stillness around me. it has always been there in some or the other form. despite of this stillness, my spirits are lively today. may be not yet out of the happy and gay mood of evening. but they haven't got a creature to accompany their silent sounds; except for this fan with its hoarse voice still evenly uttered words. as i am unable to entertain them any more, they are leaving for their celestial home, with a promise to come back riding on the sun's next ray. they need to fly, so they have left their heaviness on my visuals.

they are away now, and what is left behind is a dead corpse with some unfinished talks and some unturned pages beside it.



PS: its a white noise series generated after the merriment of annual gathering and while giving company to someone who was getting bored.. you may guess the extent of irritation one could be in after reading this .. would have been better without my help na.. :|

खयाल

आते हैं हर पल और चले जाते हैं...

कुछ उड़ जाते हैं हँसी में,
कुछ निकल पड़ते हैं बातों की अनजान गली में,
और कुछ डूब जाते हैं आंसुओं की नमी में।

बिल्कुल जैसे sublime होना पढ़ा था chemistry में...

लेकिन कभी कभी रह जाते हैं पीछे कुछ कतरे उनके अनकहे से,
फिर शुरू होती हैं दिल और दिमाग की गुफ्तगू इन कतरों के सहारे।

अगर वो होती है nursery में बैठे बच्चों की बातों सी,
तो लगती है प्यारी बहुत।
पर अगर वही दिल-ओ-दिमाग की गुफ्तगू
बन जाये चौराहे से गुज़रती गाड़ियों के शोर सी,
तो फिर चुभती है बहुत ...



PS: Got some of them during a short while..

1) a positive khayal.. i m not the most angry/ impatient/ arrogant/unreasonable being on planet earth.
God has made people worse than me.. :)

2) a negative khayal... i m good for nothing.. :(

3) and a neutral khayal... studying for GBM always leads to some such weird thing.. :|

...what I show is what you see,
that wasn't ever the true me...

a shadow

dancing all around me,
crawling to get long and short,
imprisoned in life of two-dimensions, lying down they are,
unable to get up and hold a hand,
because Shadows they are.

always black as mourners,
devoid of the spectrum of joy,
with an always changing geometry,
quite and expressionless, still alive,
because Shadows they are.

sometimes walking ahead,
or may be trailing behind secretly,
diminished at times,
yet trying hard not to leave him alone,
because a Shadow it is.

it knows he hates being alone,
but Darkness is ignorant of the lone,
takes that shadow away,
letting in another shadow,
a Shadow of Darkness.



PS: I am totally innocent; this random permutation & combination of words is due to sum of squares of random errors in brain, caused by uniform integrability and martingales.. :P

I am loving it...

...its so much fun to have internal exam and the night before it.. :D :P had one after some 10 months.. yes it is the case when you have lost all opportunity to any such thing, and you miss.. Last night was all giggly, they were amazed why I look so happy..
...one could never understand unless has traveled through the phases.. :O

Life could not be better with so many things around. I don't mean to say, that anything or anyone has changed around; but surely the perspective is changed. Amidst the busy hours, confusing equations, guffaws on walk, there still creep some lone moments, still things are watery at times.. but they all complete me.. :)

Never knew that game called life would be so much fun..

silly of me.. took so much time realize this simple thing.


PS.1). I know there is no point in writing so much random, title-less stuff here; thanks for bearing :P

PS.2). Time to look forward at next problem ...don't worry, I'm talking about research problem.. :D

PS>3). Something more than average.. do have a look http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ULRosL7AOpk

बेफिक्र बचपन

तेज़ क़दमों से बढ़ चले थे छोड़ कर पीछे किसी गली में इसको,
जल्दी में थे तब शायद...

अब जब कभी मुश्किल लगता है दुनिया के साथ चल पाना,
तो ढूंढने निकलते हैं...

पर अब रस्ते बदल गए हैं और उन गलियों के निशान भी नहीं दिखते,
राह खो गयी है कहीं...

कभी कभी वो आकर अपनी झलक दिखा कर कहीं छुप जाता है,
जैसे चिढ़ा रहा हो..

खबर है कि वो नहीं आयेगा लौट के,
फिर भी हम तलाशते फिरते हैं दर-ब-दर इसको...


PS: neither prose nor poetry, just a random generation of mind...
a mind which is totally perplexed in simulation results and and future options/derivatives..